Zindagi Ab Tum Hi Ho

   Initially had so much to say but in a second everything just flew away and my mind was recalling about what had happened. Yes is already 2014 and just in a blink of eye many things just went out of control and indeed things went worst. It was my fault...hmmm i was too too impatient and things went upside down and ended with a break up. I thought i will be fine since i been through once but the fact the pain is still the same. When someone in a stage of doesn't know how much actually the person loving you, is kinda sad. I didn't doubt on your love just i dunno how much. The moment where you promise that you won't leave me after this and i really really truly happy be with you. I really feel everything just pay off and at last i'm with you. At the same time, i really dunno how much you want to be with me, is it as much as how i want to be with you? I know whatever i said now no point already. I'm really sorry. Really sorry.
    These few days again been thinking about you so so much. Again not i wanted to but my mind went into you again. Almost everyday looking into what's app chat box, hoping there will be a message from you. Looking at your photo. I dunno why am i doing this, i guess i won't have another chance to be with you again in future. I don't deserve another chance from you. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful moment in life and teach me how love will be. I dunno what i will be doing in future, should i say i still hope i can be with you someday and marry you. I dunno why i loved you so much. Honestly i dunno, or you wanna say it as is my lust go ahead. I only know i love you truly and purely. I wanna treasure this till end of my life...end of life. I mean it deyh not for fun....
      Why can't we fight for this? Why when things went wrong we ended up in break up? It's hurting...really hurt.. We always been like this or we really not meant to be..? I dunno. I dunno am i able to let you go...I dunno am i able to do so...I don't think i can do it.. You gave me too much, as a girl i really can't. You gave me so many thing to recall thank you. I be waiting..sorry. I won't cry i will be in a place where you want me to be always. Maybe that time i able to get your love one day. I hope one day i can meet you someday..This year is my 21st birthday, blessed. Only one thing actually i hoping from you, of course not get back to you, i know no matter i wished for it also i still unable to get it. All i wished for my 21st from you is a call from you..That seriously and truly will made my day.Lastly, i'm sorry, i can't erase the love i have for you. Love you always. Take good care and god bless you always and be happy. :)
      

Missing....Waiting..Changing...

All the while was going through a nice, happy life. A happiness that i was waiting for a year and at last i able to felt it. A feeling that is hard describe bout it because it just contained so many good things and happiness. Yet, a rainy day has arrived and till now its still a cloudy one. Is easy to say that you are happy but is hard to say you are feeling sad. Why? Because that's the feeling that we don't wished to listen from our love ones. But how if the amount of happiness and sadness is equal amount? That will be fine, because you know the sadness doest last long and the happiness that you will receive in future will vanish the sadness. Well, thats how i feeling exactly now. I have no any intention to make him angry all time and pissed and make the mood swing, have no intention to hurt him as well! I know, i screw it up a lot, i say things nor asking things at the wrong time, eventually it just turn into a disaster. A person who keeps on holding on and having a little hope that able to love with person we love,yet still not everyone able to have it in their live. We humans always don't appreciate our love one in life and we tend to take the person granted. Why? Because we just know that no matter happened i know he or she will be there. Ended up, we tend to ignore them much, yet we still try our level best to keep silent because we don't want to hurt our love one intentionally. Perhaps is just sound stupid again to some people. Hurting back a person who hurts you does pay off anything because end up we will feel hurt again. Therefore i don't do that. The more our love one ignore us, we tend to feel we are just so far away, don't even know what is happening to them nor how are them. Yet, we still keep silent because we don't want make out love one feels that we are annoyed to them. At a point, we just can't take it   and we tend to find them back in short time. We know the feeling of being ignored by someone we love. In relationship, we fall for a person so deeply but why we want to hurt them, even they have done many mistakes over and over again. Words that been spoken is hard to take back, it does just stick in mind and heart. In a relationship LOVE is not everything, there are something more than that,Care,Importance,Tolerate,Respect,Understanding,Accept the way your love one is, Communication and   Affections. All these does content in a relationship yet not every one able to touch all these successfully. Maybe certain of it we might unable to archive. In relationship, none of us like to our partner in tears, either is a friendship or in family. Yet, we still tend to put the one we love the most in tear. We do love our family, we do love our friends, but a lover's love is just something special, is cant be define as family nor friends. Is just in a different category. A category that can't be explained why we react so. As we always says, action speaks louder than words. Through action, we able to know where we stand actually in a person's heart. Sometime, our love ones doesn't understand how much we actually value and treasure them in life. When, we don't get the the same feeling in return, we tend to feel insecure or sad maybe. A thousand of though will run in the mind, why my love is behaving so to me.? We know we should not expect the same thing from our love one because maybe thats the nature of them, can't be blame. What we watched in the movie is just a movie, real life doesn't happen in such way every time. 

Today, i just make things worst because i took it serious yet it does make me sad, because no one like our love one to call us brainless person,unless it is a joke but not the same joke been repeated for every time. I asked sorry for that but ended up in not really a good way, in anger i have just said '' no need find me'' and after an one word reply okay at 12.40pm (Saturday) till now 2.07am(Sunday) no reply at all. I knew i have asked a question that i should not asked to him. I wonder why cant he tell me instead of getting angry on it. I thought after his convocation and all he will find me, fact is he didn't find me, end as usual and every time i text him but there is no reply till now, it does kills me slowly. I really wonder how he can be without finding me for so long, guess that's where am i. I dunno. Sometime for a whole day no any massages till night i will receive a message that says'' good night'' and all. I tend to miss him a lot, really hope can spend more time in talking but he will feel tired and sleepy. So i will think for him, why wanna disturb his sleep and will just reply him good night. I never been really in his part of life, either success or a failure. I didn't know that he actually chose to not find me till end. Nothing can beat the pain of my heart while reading it. I have waited for almost 14 hours for his message and i got a reply''i wont''. Every girl will never expect this, because they really hope their love one will find them, that's prove how much you value them or how much u can't be away from the person. Now, i know he can live far away from me, perhaps it doesn't give any difference, even after my death.God, I know you watching me crying now, i have no breath to breath, please hold me on. :'(  Heal my hurt fast.. No one should be in my position, wanna cry out loud but can't, is just too suffering God. I know, he will never bother if ever i cry or not crying. What i have done..? Is loving him is a wrong? God please give me strength tonight, is gonna be a sleepless night. Sometime it just make me feel, there no meaning 4 me to be there with him, i don't bring out any meaning for him. Oh GOD, why my tears keep flowing while I'm typing my words out..A wrong i did which is not even a huge mistake i been ended up in tears, which i felt wasn't fully my fault but yet, I'm the one apologizing for it. Well, it doesn't matter to me on saying sorry.Sometime do feel like men domination thingy. I realized that guys are not like girls. Girls do every time express their emotions and feelings out to their best friends but guys are not like that. They tend to be keep thing to themselves. We can teach a person if they don't understand anything but no one can teach a person to understand how another person's feel. I miss myself....I miss the old me....Who doesn't cry till can't breath and who doesn't put herself so down. A person who used to look me up and motivates me now no longer the same. Pain change people, time doesn't change a person but the situation in that time change a person. But why when we can accept our love one has change but why can't they accept as as well? Change can happen to anyone. In relationship all we want is just be ''tan bai'', if even to your own partner you can't be ''tan bai'', what's the point of it? There always will be a person who gives out more than another party, is never can be equal. Is that mean there is no more love? No, when we feel ourself is lesser than another, we should learn to help ourself, no on able to help you better than yourself when your partner doesn't understand it. I wished upon the moon and stars, to be with you happy and go through every thing with you and marry you and be happy and  go through the life....I didn't love you to give up on you..on us..on our love. Accept me the way i am, treasure me, pamper me, love me, i missed all these from you. Please don't treat me like a waste bin sometime or when you need me as in to entertain you. I'm a human, a human who seeking for you love so much....

It has been very long hear someone praise me, one day there's one person who praised me a lot..Whatever he said just portrait me how i was in past..I missed myself..I missed the feeling of loving myself, i missed making myself feel good, i missed being confident in life....... I need a helping hand out from you...but you always push me down the mud....(even you were joking) perhaps i take it too serious. 

None of us have a life you been through and none of us have a life i been through, i want to create a good future for you, me, us, but without you is just nothing i can do..because is not an one man show, is a life,a future bout both of us.. 

Dear Jeevan,
if ever I'm forcing you again, is just not right, guess i have to live my life alone. I don't doubt your love but i dunno how much actually i mean to you and to your life. As you told me previously, action speaks louder than words. You are a person who doesn't share things out much with anyone. You always have a happy face on you,therefore many of them thinks you are fine. You are very good in hiding and pretending, behave as if nothing had just happened, but actually you are feeling the pain in your heart. You don't want people to do anything for you on your special day but when they don't you tend to sad inside. You always thinks there is no one able to understand you. You don't like wasting time in spending time that does not give any excitement to you. You like to have a time for yourself without anyone interrupt your day. You don't go for brands and eat at high-end restaurant. Anything is nice for you and good food will be fine for you except for you office shoe you want a good one due to the sole. You actually like to make me angry and jealous, sometime it may get worst. You like to eat chicken a lot and your mum food is the best food ever. You don't really enjoy other types of food compared to Indian foods. You like drinking grapes juice or blended lot. You don't take care of yourself but you want others to take care. No matter who talk things without any sense, is just a nonsense to you. You don't really like your dad, because he not there for you when you need him.(Based on what you told me), You are the most precious son for your mom, you love your mom a lot even she do call and cry to you. You actually do worry for people who close to you but you don't show it out. You have scarifies a lot in your life to stand where you are now. You stuck in your past and current and you get blank at times. Something actually still hunt you down i guess. That's why i cant feel your 100% in me  and there's where you unintentionally hurts me. You love football, favorite team is Man.United and your favorite player is Nani(last time you told this i don't know is it change) You like to watch Running man, Manga, and Naruto. You don't like drumstick. I can easily make you angry and you won't bother me after that. You give priority things that is important to you. You like girls with straight hair and who wear long dress or skirt. You have a lot of dreams for your future.That's all i guess, dunno how much is right but that's what i seen in you. 

Dear Vino,

Please learn to love yourself more, i know you miss yourself more than anyone because only you can feel the difference about you. Be more kind to you and protect your heart, it has many scar on it. You are not pretty in your eyes, you always look at yourself as a fat girl and who no one will praise you pretty. You actually love to wear dress but you just feel is does not look good on you and you wont try it because you know you are fat.Everyone says that to you even your close one. You miss that old looking Vino, the confident in you therefore you want to lose weight and show people and be pretty to who ever looked down to you always. You want to be the top in the world, be a successful businesswoman. You like to improve your life, and like to go those rich places to feel motivated and own like them in future. Not being filthy rich and as in able to have a good life and provide to my family. I like to give surprises and do thing for the one who close with me. Each of them mean to you much. You share out things with your close one. You expect love, pamper, caring, time, importance, value and space in your life. You don't like your love one stick with you all the time in person, except is a date and outing. You don't like break up unless is really make sense and you feel that's the best. Is hard for to overcome from sadness. You like to dance and sing a lot. You love cooking and baking as well. You like your days been filled up and being busy. Whenever you in sadness, you always have to wear a ''mask'' in you home. You don't want your family know bout you. You cries out when you feel like crying. You value your love one a lot and you love to do things for him. You want a nice house with just a perfect furniture and design and space, you have your dream home. You have your dream wedding ceremony, and you refuse to buy a ring 4 yourself even you like to wear ring because you want the first ring put into your hand is from you love one. You want a wedding proposal, not a grand one a simple and sweet. You not really a fan of diamond and yellow gold,but you do wear yellow gold and you like white gold lot. You love to wear traditional as well, with a ''saree'' or ''pavadei thavani '', lots of ''malli ''flowers on head, tie ''chadai'', 2 hands fill with bangles, earnings, ''netti chutti'' and ''kolusu''. I love to have long hair but unfortunately my hair don't grown fast and it takes damn long time when it grows back i have to cut because i will have my split end. Always think you able spend time on so many things but to me even 5min is can't, because you feel tired and sleepy,hmmm. You thinks a lot and you assume lot as well. If a person's first impression you don't like you won't be close with them or even to a person you are not comfortable. You love love love love chocolate and cheese cakes. You like to eat dessert lot as well. When your mood down you tend to eat a lot and you don't give a damn bout it. It gave a satisfaction or relive. You cry and eat ice cream when you sad. You love spicy food, belacan, Italy foods, Western and Indian foods for sure. You like to serve the GOD lot. You respect good guys lot and you don't throw their dignity in  front of the people. You tend to be a little silent to new person and new environment. You deep down still feeling guilty and sad you had fail and unable to graduate. You easily feel lazy. You always want to be there 4 your love one and be happy and go through everything. To you, love does not mean give up when going through hard time. That's all i guess...nothing much to say.

I love you...You want the happiness from him only. No one else.! 

*MY INNER VOICE* 

Even million amount of tears fall from eyes..

Even million times my heart breaks..

Even million times of ignorance i get..

Even everyone give up on me and you..

I wont and the happiness i receive from you...

is irreplaceable by anyone nor anything..

Eventually it vanish away all my sorrow...

I waiting to smile and laugh again with you with your hand around me.. :)  <3 

Suffering

When there is the time...certainly it will happen...The most challenging part is, waiting..demands you more than anything in your life. Although i have wake up and move on in my life and start with something new, even is still the kind of same routine. Perhaps what i wanted was a lil care, care that makes me feel comfortable and secure.Now i'm 20, as the only girl in my home now responsibility has became bigger. I got to take care of my family. even i haven't fully doing it. Is not easy i feel, i know i can do it, yet i felt is a big thing for me.Taking over house work because mum's health is not in good condition and she is getting older. Always must have a person be with her so she wont feel lonely, i always try my level best to do so. Everyday, college, classes and also tuition. Tired, life with assignments and tuitions. I really like to have a time with family, go on vacation, throw all the worries and burden away for that meantime, enjoy every bit of the surrounding nature and have fun. How nice it could be? At least, sitting a quite place surrounded with nature and have a cup of coffee with a book. Awesome feeling ever, can have a good time to relax and also have a clear mind of every single thing. College life was nice, but now became worst and less fun more stress and problems.Being blame for thing that i did't even do. Well, now is not a big deal at all. Now, my life and my circles of friends is like a mini small world. I like it very much but maybe when they have their things to do or busy, that time will feel a bit lonely in me, but that's fine to me. Every one should have the time for them self. 20 years of life i have lived, feeling so old..LOL! haha! When i was a baby, i knew everyone is there for me to take care and be such a loving to me. Well, when growing older and older, i personally experience and i felt that i have less caring already. My dad always have the thought that i have the capability to face problems in life and i can solve it by my own.I wonder from where he got that confident on me. When ever i have anything he always will teach how but wont accompany when im doing it. He always says'' You have to learn it by yourself,how if i no more, what you gonna do.?'' I will keep quite even i felt unsatisfied sometimes. I know i can do, just i feel better there is someone with me,makes me feel better at times.When i'm sick, i always wish that someone could take me to the clinic, but i always go myself even my condition was bad. I wonder why sometimes, i don't like it, I'm not telling my dad or mum don't care for me,sure they do i know that very well.The feeling of going clinic when sick alone, not nice at all, to me la. Moreover, i always take care myself even i do fall sick quite often at times not in purpose. I still remember after a certain age, perhaps  when i was in standard 5 or 6, during my birthday my dad will bring me to cake shop and let me choose the cake i like. That was so nice of my appa, not because of the cake but his heart.At time goes on, i grow older, in secondary school. Dad no longer bring me to cake shop to buy cake that i liked anymore.I dont cut cake every year, it just when i feel like cutting a cake for my birthday i will do so. I remember once, when was my birthday i asked my dad. ''Appa, aren't you buying a cake?'' He said '' No, if you want you go to shop and purchase it, much easier and you can choose the cake you like and i don't have to bring you.'' I said'' okay.'' All the while in secondary school, i do go and order the cake i want and when the cashier will ask, '' What to write on the cake?''  I was,'' errmmm, owh yea my birthday(monologue) den i will write it out. You know, the feeling of writing on the piece of paper'' Happy Birthday Vino'' I found is kinda weird at times. Anyway that was past. After that, i don't hope anything much on my birthday.I wont expect anything from anyone. Normally, my birthday will be normal, a dinner will do of course. There was once, on my birthday no one came dinner and only me and my dad at Anuja Kepong and had our dinner. Eventually, i know my dad felt sad as well, but that moment i felt so lucky to have him as my dad, A dad who doesn't want to break my heart again and brought me for dinner. Felt touched. No matter what, i love my family lot..Hamisha aur Forever and Family always first. :') On my 16th,19th and 20th birthday where i receive surprise from friends and my love ones. When you grow older, eventually i learnt how to value things more. The first person who brought in surprise birthday in my life is for sure Daletha. Even it was only two of us, but i felt so happy that day. The next was in college, where all my classmates arrange a surprise for me.This whole thing was by Yanyi and 2 of other friends. She brought a big teddy bear for me, because she knows how crazy i with teddies. Next was a most special one, my love ones, where he makes me go to customer service of Pakson in KL Festival and i get my gift.So touched and we had a great dinner and spent some time together. This year was from my 5 best buddies and with a unique birthday card filled with birthday wishes from others, wonder why there is no his wishes in it...Thats was great, never thought of this surprise at all. Thanks to Zachary and Daletha. Sometimes, things that been gifted by friends and family not a big deal actually, if course we likes gifts as well, but there is something beyond that all these gifts. The sincere heart and also time spend together.Besides, my sis is best! She always get what i need..haha.Thanks!  All i wanted from my love ones is time spend with me thats all, i don't want anything else. Just spend some time together and thats already makes me so damn happy...undesireable of happinees that can be put it in words.  Let's put that aside, in my life the only thing i want to do is being independent and able to take care myself without my parents support. Im not meaning being independent as if in doing everything by alone without any company, we always need someone somehow in life, like life partner and friends. Now, i have my side income by teaching tuition. I tried my best not to ask much from parents and settle things myself. I havent reach till that level yet eventually. When i was thnking bout this, he came cross my mind. I notice that he acctually very independent enough in his life, dont trouble anyone much. Unlike me, always wants him teman me here and there. In his college time, he stays at hostel and living by his own with the aid of his friends around. He manage everything by himself. Sometimes, i will seek for when he will ask for my help to help things out, but guess i just mess things up for him. Now, he working. He living outside with his friends and working, well is not easy. I wish i can  have this kind of opportunity in life but no till now. When he is being such independent and realictic guy having a girlfriend like me,which not independent(always wants him to bring me here and there) and being emotion at times. Guess eventually will makes him pissed or turn him down, as he always said to me he disspointed with me. My mistakes, not i cant go by myself or do certain things by myself it just i wish i can have a person who really gives me cares and attention. I know he cares for me alot too.Yes, i expected from him lot..that was my fault totally. A last chance. I believe things won't be the same again. I know he have no trust on me, i don't know how to make him trust..I have told him many times about this.I'm fighting for my life..our life..our love..save our love.. What to do, honestly i don'd want anyone else in my life. Only him will do. God. Please. I going through the worst punishments ever, can never meet nor talk to him in phone..It's way suffering than anyone could think bout it. I really suffering without his present in my life. I need him, i can't live without him..God I'm praying to you..

Im too dumb, Im sincerely asking for forgiveness and im sorry my love please forgive me.

Hmmm..all the while i talk bout what i felt and how much i love him. Now, im gonaa tell what i feel bout i myself.As a girl, i dunno how good am i,but im just too stupid and i feel im not a good girl. Hmmmm, love which at one point i like it but now im afraid of it. Im not blaming the love is a bad thing, love is something magical thing that ever can happened to everyone, but some of them playing with other's feeling and used them by the name of love. Love is so pure but because of some person it has not really defined as that.Sad.I dont blame love,to me love always a greatest thing ever.!When i was in school, should i say he is my 1st bf, whatever, coupled and ended break up because his mum got to know about it. Which, eventually now i find out that he the reson he gave me was not true and the reason was he like another girl when he was with me and he wanted to break up with me and couple with her.Well, so many years he lied and now i got to know it.Ended i felt myself like a fool.! When i was in sadness, a guy fren ('M') in school which he was there for me (sort off) So, when a girl is in hurt and a guy came up and care for you.Another feeling develops in me,(Not worth at all) well i liked him and all,but i got to know that he likes another girl for long time. So one day i asked him: '' what u do if the girl come back?'' He said: i will go with her.'' I was like what..? A loud laugh in pain. i knew where i stand,i dislike myself that time,because i was being used actually emotianlly and also physically( not sexual relation, i have my own dignityi know who i am) So after these shit happens, i was hurt obviously, i dun wish to have any contact with him and i met him and said that i wont be meeting you because i will be starting my college soon. He felt that he did not do anything wrong.== I admit of course there are my mistakes as well, and im paying back for every thing i  over againe became a normal friend, but he did came back and proposed to me again well not once but many times.Last year i went through another heart break over again(will talk bout that soon). So,eventually this guy got to know and he came back again. Perhaps again a total broken heart,crushed, all of sudden feeling the care from a person. I feel better, there where i close back with him and all over thing repeated. Where we attended a wedding dinner and where i text him:'' make sure look good and be the one who i used to know you.'' That night he sent me back home and there's where again he propsed to me again.Which i said no,and we agreed for so call dating la at the mean time.(How stupid am i) I admit that my mistake for this thing happened. I dont deny it and my heart was shaked, i was thinking is the God telling me to go on and mayb he is the turning pointof my life. I wondered.Why this time i trustedd him because this is not the 1st time and thats why i trusted maybe he is really sincere.( how dumb i can be at times) Of course if a person wants another person to be their partner,surely you able to see some effort and anything la. I dont see anything from him, im the one texted him and he dont reply me. Well i did feel something is wrong,so i dont rush.There are many rumours that he coupled with another girl, and i confused i do not know what is the truth.Well i start to investigate this thing, it was easy because i knew the girl.So i chated with her.Well was like a normal chat, den we were talking about love thingy. So i tried to ask her something and all. Well from what ever she answered me, kinda obvious is him and she knows that im dating a guy but she dunno is him.So basically we both are talking bout the same guy.And the day of truth came, where when i asked him bout this and he said is was a part and he wants to forget bout and  dont wish to talk bout it.So i said okay. After that, i chated with the girl again.So this time i want her to tell out who is guy that she was talking bout, coz before this she did not tell me.Well when she told me that:'' he told me that u know everything already'' I asked:'' who is the he now?'' Well she mention his name. I was ok,my guess was  perfectly correct. In return, she asked me who is guy i dating with,i did not say his name i said another friend of mine.I know is dumb,but  i dont wish to create any problem again. When i asked him bout this and he able to say that: yes.im with her now. He said this without any feeling sorry and anything.He just say it very normal and he dont think that he cheated or lied to me about it. The girl told me,:'' no,we did not break up at all and we were just having some problems only. Im with him for 3 years.'' I was little shock, she dont even know what is he doing at her back.All over again, i been used by him again.I know im stupid enough to being used for second time again. When this thing happened, i was sitting for my exam. In exam hall, i was thinking bout this and i was thinking and i found an answer that, i did this terrible mistakes and now i know who really stands on my heart. I teared. I felt that i betrayed the love i have. There were no days i went with tears and i felt so disgusting to myself. I prayed and knee down to God and said Im very sorry, i do not know will you forgive for my mistakes, but i willing to take any punishment you gonna give me for my wrong dids.I cerid in front of Ganesha,Muruga and Amman.I cried till i cant breath. Felt too stupid.I do not know is The God showing me the truth side and how is him actually. I do not know.All is know i feel sorry and bad for myself. Being used...the feeling is just too horrible to be describe.Today i got to know that im not the only one who in this situation. There is a friend of mine,she was encounter by this problem from him.My friend is coupled,and he knows about it. He still like trying for her( he is already coupled with the girl that i mention above), he have the guts to say that:'' You leave him and come to me'' (I woudnt be surprise, coz he said the same thing when i was coupled) I was thinking beside me and my friend.who else would have be his victim.? Lets label the guy as 'M' the Girl which is his gf as ('P') and my friend as('A') Hmmm.....Im sorry i did not want to be evil but is not a good thing to be done by any guy to any girl.
Through out this whole journey i know and realize what is true love, even my heart shakes and eventually almost fell for another person. i did know my heart stands on who firmlyAll this thing happened, i being left by guys. Well i have no idea why, maybe i was not good enough,expception for('M') thing. All i want to tell is, im sorry my love...very sorry for what had happened,but promise you were there in my mind..I would not know will you forgive me if one day you come back for me.I will not know..Dont worry, as i said to you. I move on as how you want me to be and as how i want myself to b happy and enjoy my life. As i said to you as well,i dun want anything..anyone in my life,I just want to be my own and be alone.Do what i suppose to do and  archive. Thats all. Honestly, i dont trust anyone easy now, and i promise if ever i have to go through another heart break,i afraid that i may not go through this time...may not....My heart never stops beats for you and do forgive me  for all.Dont worry, im not keeping any hope in anything. Enough of what i went through and i tired for these whole thing. I'm sorry...sincerely sorry...my love is true to you...even i cnt be with you...Im very sorry.Take care always..!You always the best thing that ever happened to me....forever...! :) <3 (Tear)

My sayang birthday! :)

OMG! IS 10th DEC 2012...My one and only jeevan's birthday!His 21st Birthday!Just feel so nice is his birthday. Actually planned alot for him one year ahead, but never thought future will be in this situation.Well, guess all have its own reason. Waiting is the best for now. =) Hmm, Thursday i went to the art exhibition, when i steo into the place i was having a very strong feeling that he might be coming here as well. I did not really put it in my mind but later he came in. Do not know how to express the feeling when i see him again after so long and we said hai to each other, the feel of looking at him like the first time. Speechless as well. Is a great feeling.Would not know how does he feel. When someone care for you, te feel of it just so nice, sometimes even felt too touched and teared. Hmmm.Well, of course i wish so much to be with you on your birthday, not long.Perhaps few minutes will be a golden time for me.Guess i cant do so, i know where i stand. Hmmm, really want so much to wish in the phone at least, guess im that unlucky cant even do so as well. Guess he dont wish to hear my voice. I miss him! Really wish him he will have a great and wonderful 21 birthday!When i was using my phone,there was a reminder pop up.I looked at it, it stated'' My Hubby Birthday :') '' I was staring at it for long, but later i just close the screen.Was pain internally,but is okay.Able to bear it. I looked at his picture and wished him..All is well! =) Is not i dont want to wish him now, is just i dont wish if i mistakenly make his day out,since i always ask some stupid question, i will feel guilty.So i choose to wish him before his birthday end. =) As long my wish send to him, nothing will be happier than that. Bought him a gift long time ago,before we break. Since i have money and there were good sale goin on, so i bought it.Wonder is the size will fit him now?== Hope he able to fit in. God, please dun make him angry with me coz i get him a gift.I know he dont like gift, but i cnt dont give him anything.Plus he mean much to me.Hmmm.Sorry! Please dont angry and take it pls.! Felt a little uneasy when i always wish him at 12 am,but this year i din do so.Hmmm.Even during school days i will curi-curi call him at 12 and wish him happy birthday.Nice memories. =) Time does change everything. Really praying hard time will make us together back.Finger cross.But dun dare to have high hope, i wont be able to take heart break again. Amen! Guess is wishes time! Dont want to talk to anything more..NO TEARS TODAY!!!
Dear sayang jeevan,
Happy 21st Birthday to you! Hope you will have a great day and blast with family and friends!
Sorry for cant be with you on this day even i want to be there so deeply.! One day i wish i will be there for you till the end.! God bless you always in every single thing. Stay healthy always! Good luck and all the best! Have a good year ahead! :D Love you always,sorry. The more days gone,the more i love you.Sorry, Dun worry, i will keep my distance! =) Happy Birthday! :D <3

I 'll love you for thousand more! I love you much MSH! I'm sorry!

Well, i guess is my time to stop and remain my distance as how i was with him. Now again i back to kind sort off, attach with him  back.Only me. Hmmm, don't wish to trouble him in any way. I just wonder, how come my love towards him is so so so strong and deep, even i sometimes he don't really give a good respond. Dunno is he or i'm the one thinking too much. Soory. Too many things i wish to apologize to him... I have moved on, mayb not into another guy or find another partner. Where i am now, it was a very hard journeyto me to able stand and be in the position where i am now. All the tears i shedded never been dry till now, and i wonder as well. Hmmm, dunno what else to do to able to see your face and touch you....I miss you. Never want to bring presure to him nor want make him feel suffer, not at all. All i want is him to be happy. Every single second, his name will be mentioning in my heart and mind, not i purporsely did it..it just tend to happen in that way.No one wants the love to be fail, so am i. All i want a last chance, maybe not now i guess. I cant go through another heartbreak if it does not turn out well. I want him to finish his studies first and archive what he want in his life. I willing to wait, but i need an answer from him. What ever that happened on the day where we break up, it was not really an end, even he felt everything has come to an end, wonder why i don't or can't feel so. Maybe when i say this to him, he might feels that i just need more time and so on. Fact, he knows he well where i will be waiting. I dunno why i decided to wait, not to prove my true love or what so. I feeling of waiting him is strong, and i decided to do so. I knw you willing to do anything to break my decision and also not to making me wait.Sorry.What ever decision i took, i dont regret with it. Hmmm, maybe it just sound no sense at all. Well, lets see. I dont have a big hope or what so, i just have faith. I will be waiting. All i want you ti be happy always, if the happiness is not from me, im sorry. Please give me and you and this love for a last chance. Not now, perhaps later in life. Hmmm.Your birthday is coming very soon! As always i wished to celebrate or spend some time with you, i know is not gonna happen. No problem with that. This is your 21st Birthday! I believe you will have a great time with your lovely friends! :) There are so many things happened before you and me, but all was not my intention. Remember, you did ask me at once ''why you don't say hi or talk to me n say a word of hi to my friends?'' My answer is God promise, i don't do that in prupose. When i see you around college, you will be with your best friend. Where you told me before, she dislike me. So in that type of situation, how am i suppose to go in front of you and talk or say a word hi to other friends, when she dislike me.All the decision you took, i supported you and i be patient with it. I don't wish to hurt her as well. That;s why i don't talk to you when i see you around. I dont wish anything quarrel happen between you both, even you told you kinda used with it. Well, i dont wish to hurt anyone! Hmm, i know i had hurt you deeply as well. Everything happened was so fast,but when i was with you.That was the best time, thats where i learnt what is love where i really felt it so deeply.I don't have the heart to treat you as stranger in my life. If you leave this college, without telling me a word or meet me. Is okay.I have no rights, but i really afraid i will be in a deep shit situation back in my life. Hope i dont. :) All is well. Sorry for still loving you so deeply but i don't wish to make you feel annoyed with this and also telling you how much i missed you. Which i did last nite, so sorry! Okay, cant write more for now, thats it. <3 you for thousand more.! When i say love you, i do mean it. If the happiness is not with, let m know when you found your happiness. I will pray for you. :)  Of course i wish and hope is me, but destiny and God decides all at the end. Amen! Take care my love. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS, WHICH IS GRWOING DEEPLY WITHOUT MY INTENTION! LOVE YOU MSH! Everyone meets fail, but they will learn and come up again. I promise i wont fail another time and your make you fail.! I will shout to you one day,'' Idiot, i love you,i will pull you out!'' Make me do this...one day. I will wait 4 you. Amen. :)

Masih Ada Rasa Cinta....

Setelah perpisahan yang amat lama ini...kira-kira dekat 5 bulan. Telah aku lalui waktu yang amat susah sekali, tangisan yang menemai setiap malamku hingga batalku juga basah dengan tangisanku. Tak dapat aku ungkapkan perasaan aku yang perit namun kenangannya masih segar di  minda dan hatiku. Tak pernah aku salahkan dia atas apa yang jadi, kerana aku tahu semuanya kesalahan aku. Emosi aku yang tidak dapat aku kawalnya, akhirnya aku kehilangan dia. Tidak pernah aku dapat lupakan dia, dan tidak dapat tidak sukakan dia. Aku ingat aku tidak akan nangis lagi, namun saat bila aku terlalu terkenang dengan dia, air mataku mengalir dengan spontan. Sudah lama sangat aku tidak jumpa dia, ingin aku jumpanya tapi aku tahu hatinya tidak mengizinkan aku berbuat begitu.Aku tidak dapat  bercakap dengannya dalam telefon, apatah lagi kalau aku ingin berjumpa dengannya. Hati aku ingin sangat untuk melihaynya sekali lagi, kerinduan yang ada dalam hatiku ini selama ni seperti lebih dari sedekad aku rindunya. Kenangan yang aku ada bersama dia tidak dapat aku mencari jalan untuk kaburinya, setiap saat dan waktu pasti ada yang sesuatu membuat aku memikirkannya. Aku tahu yang dia tidak akan sms aku, kalau aku mulakan perbualannya, namun setiap kali aku melihat telefon aku atau apa sahaja aku tengah buat, hati aku ini pasti menyebut namanya.Setiap nafas yang aku nafaskan terpahat namanya. Aku tidak tahu bahawa akan aaku dapat masa depan denagnnya, jikalau aku dengan dia tidak bertuah untuk bersama dengannya...maka aku memang tidak layak untuk bersama dengannya.Tetapi tidak tahu aku, mengapa aku masih mempunyai harapan atas cinta ini. Hati aku juga rela untuk menunggu untuk dia. Ingin sangat aku omong terus sama dia yang aku masih mencintainya dan aku juga rindu sangat sama dia! Apa yang berlaku tidak dapat aku ubahkannya. Aku telah sedar kesilapan yang aku lakukan dan juga aku rasa masa kita bukan begitu menyebelahi kita. Ingin sangat aku rayu atau mohon untuk peluang terakihr untuk bermula sekali lagi dengan baru.Bukannya aku memaksa, dengan kerelaan kamu sendiri. Sekali lagi untuk menukar segalanya dan juga menberi peluang untuk cinta ini.Maafkan aku, aku masih cintakan kamu. Maafkan aku, aku rindu sangat dengan kamu. Maafkan aku, aku betuk ingin bersama dengan kamu lagi,jeevan..sehingga aku meninggal dunia tetapi dengan sepenuh kerelaanmu.
                                       I miss you so much,
                                       I miss the time we been together,
                                       I miss your voice,smile,look,laughter,
                                       I miss the way you with me,
                                       I miss the way i on your chest,where i felt secured,
                                       I miss the way you huged me and sleep,
                                       I miss the heat of your body when you touches mine,
                                       I miss every single inch in you,
                                       I miss saying ''I Love You '' to you by looking at you,
                                       I miss our time together,
                                       I really miss you more than anything,
                                       I love you more than anyone do,
                                       I love you so so so so much,
                                       I sorry,
                                       Im waiting, will you come back........?
                                       Give each other a chance......will you?
                                       Im sorry, i cant lie more,
                                       I love you so much,loving you and will love you on......
                                      (FEEL LIKE SHOU OUT LOAD!)
                                      Do you feel the same..? 
                                      I love you so much,jeevan! Will you come back? :'(    

Sebak hatiku mendengar kata-kata dari mu. Ingin sangat ke aku meninggalkanmu..tersentak di hati yang lemah ini. Ya Tuhanku, besarnya cabaran yang kau beri padaku. Hari ini,keputusan aku keluar..Ya tuhan ku..tidak ku sangka ku gagal lagi..dalam Tamadun Islam. Ya Allah, walaupun aku bukan hambaMu namun aku rela berdoa padaMu. bagi aku,semuaTuhan adalah sama..Ya Tuhan..kenapa begiu perit rasa diriku ini...terasa aku tidik berguna. Ya Tuhanku, Aku ingin memberi keputusan aku untuk periksa sekali lagi..Aku benar berdoa kuat padaMu..Tolonglah selamatkanku pada kali ini...tidak ingin aku gagal.Moga-moga ada kesilapan yang berlaku. Jikalau tidak apa yang berlaku,maka aku terima Qada dan Qadar dariMu. Ya Tuhan,  bukan hanya ini kau tunjuk padaku...Alam cintaku juga semakin teruk. Ingin sekali aku perputus asa dalam hidup ni, tapi ini satu perbuatan dosa..Aku tahu..Hmmm. Tuhanku, tolong la dengar jeritan dalam hati hambaMU. Ya Tuhan..perit hatiku bila dia tidak di sisi ku bila ku amat perlukan...selalunya aku berseorangan..kenapa Ya Tuhan..? Adakah aku harus lalui ini...selalu..? Tapi sampai bila tuhan..?Sampai bila..? Perassasn tidak dihargai,dicuaikan,tidak langsung rasa cinta...sampai bila aku harus harunginya..?! Ya Tuhan, namun segala dugaan mu aku laluinya..aku masih terima..tapi...hambamu bukannya kuat sangat...hati ini mudah tergores dan juga terluka..Apkah dayaku,Tuhan? Inginku ke tempat yang lapang dan menjerit sekuat-kuat hatiku,walaupun dapat kedengaran oleh sesiapa..Kian hari kian tabah aku menjadi dengan dugaanMU, sepatutnya aku harus berterima kasih padamu. Terima Kasih. Salahkah apa yang aku minta darinya sebagai apa yang aku maksudkan kepadanya...? Salakah aku meminta kasih dariorang yang aku cintakan sedalam laut...Salahkah?Sudah aku meminta sedekah cinta darimu, tapi tidak juga ku dapat...Sakit dalam hati ini tak mampu aku luahkan dengan sepatah dua kata. Tiada kata untuk menggambarkan kesakitan, kesedihan dan juga keperitanya.. Kadang-kala takut untuk aku menyentuh kegembiraan..khuathir ia hanya sementara sahaja...nukan untuk selamanya..Ya Tuhan Yang Maha Adil dan Saksama dan juga Penyayang dan Pengampun..aku harap kau dapat mendengar bisikan hatiku..bisikan ataupun terikan yang sepatutnya aku gelarkan..Perasaaan yang perit ini, tidak juga mampu aku ucapkan.Ya Tuhan, bukan hati ini yang terluka, namun hati dia juga terluka amat. Tidak dapat aku gambarkan situasi pada malam yang dia menangis padaku...susah hatiku mendengarnya...! Ya Tuhan..aku mohon..aku lebih rela kau berikan segala kesakitan padaku, jangan kau berikan pada dia..tak mampu dia  harunginya..

Sedekah kasih...

Setelah lama,kini ku kembali ke alam blog ini. Rasanya sudah tiba masaku untuk melepaskan perasaanku.Haha..bukannya perasaan apa biasa je lar kot. Hmmmm,banyak perkara dah ku harungi...sekarang misi lain pulak,hehe..control emosiku.Tuhan Yang Maha Adil dan Penyayang,Kau tahu apa yang ku inginkan di  hidup ini. Aku percaya Tuhan Yang Maha Adil, fahami ku. Ya Tuhan, tidak tahu dari mana aku berasa sangat takut. Katakutan perkara sama akan berlaku di masa depanku, ku tetap akan harunginya tak jua apa yang berlaku, tetapi khuathir ku tidak dapat mengatasi segala,takut ku akan berpecah belah..namun tidak ingin berlakunya perkara seperti itu. Hati ini bergetar, apa maknanya jika semua ku yang lakukan...namun ku tidak dapat kesan mu lakukannya? Apa maknanya jika kau hanya memerlukan ku bila mu dalam kondisi yang baik? Apa maknanya jika hanya yang lafazkan kalimah cinta nanum mu tidak.? Adakah hanya aku yang tengah bertepuk sebelah? Harapnya tidak. Aku tidak mengharap banyak darimu,kerana situasinya begitu, kalau ku harap sesuatu ia selalu berakhir dalam kekecawaan. Nanum, apa hendak dibuat? Hati wanita ini memang hati yang herharap. Aku telah pun dilukai banyak kali,namun hati ini masih terlekat di sisi mu. Kadang kala, akau berasa pelik dan aneh, apa yang membuat mu berhenti untuk berkata ayat cintamu? Apa yang berhentimu dari mendampingiku? Apa yang berhentimu beramah mesra denganku apabila mu dapat bergaul mesra dengan orang lain? Apa yang berhenti mu untuk luangkan sedikit masa buat ku,bila mu dapat luangkan masa untuk yang lain? Adakah sayangku mulai benci padaku.?Ayat - ayat cinta yang dilafazkan oleh mu pada hari permata kami bersatu dari jiwa dan hati,masih berdendang di telingaku. Hari-hari ku berlalu dengan berkenang dengan masa silam yang ku lalui denganmu.  Masa yang paling terindah dan termanis dan tergembira. :) Dalam percintaan, tidak harus mengadu satu sama lain, malah harus menerima segala yang ada satu sama lain. Sayangku yang paling ku cintai di dunia ini, salahkah apa yang ku minta sedelah kasih ini? Salahkah ku minta sedikit sedekah ambil berat darimu? Salahkah ku minta sedekah cinta and kata-kata cinta darimu? Salahkah? Kata-katamu yang dilafazkan tempoh hari, mu menangis padaku, hatiku ini tidak dapat menahannya.. :(  Mulai hari itu, aku tengah berubah  sampai ke saat ini.. Namun ku tahu,kadang kala ku telah gagal dalam tugasan tersebut. Maafkanku. Aku juga tahu, aku telah banyak menyeksamu,dan membuat mu rasa tergannggu. Maafkanku juga. Setiap hari, aku berjuang untuk menjadi sepertimu dalam alam percintaan ini, namun  tiidak dapat ku lakukannya. Hmm. kerana aku sedar, aku ini wanita. Aku mempunyai perasaan dan fikiran yang lain darimu. Kadang-kala, aku berasa mu tidak kisah atau endah perihal aku.,namun aku tahu mu mengawasi gerak -geriku.  Tidak dapat ku lafazkan kerinduan yang ada terhadapmu. Aku tidak akan minta apa-apa darimu, kerana jika mu memberi dengan hati yang paksa. Tidak membawa makna kepada cinta ini.  Banyak kali, ku terdampar dengan keputusan putus asa ini, namun tidak dapat aku lakukannya, hati ini amat setia padamu. Hatimu yang ada padaku, aku menjaganya amat baik sekali. Usah bimbang. Sayangku, ingin ku menucapakan ribuan terimakasih padamu untuk melengkapakan hari jadi ku. Aku tidak dapat berkata dan membayangkan betapa gembira aku pada hari tersebut, Kegembiraan yang tak terkata ini kerana mu! Terima kasih banyak-banyak sayang. :) Sayangku, ingin ku teriak padamu,ingin ku berpelukmu..namun tidak dapat ku lakukannya. Maafkan hatiku ini, kadang-kala ia mencari kasih darimu, mencari cinta darimu, mencari lafazan darimu. Maafkannya. Pada saat ini, aku teringat padi hari duluku bersama padamu, indah sekali. Blog ini juga dirasmikan dengan kemunculanmu, Berputik Semula. Tidakka ku dapat menghayati hidup seperti itu denganmu? Ithuvarai unnudan vaazhntha en naatkal, marumurai vaazhnthida vazhi illaya?'' Tidak ingin ku menangis dan teruskan menulis blog ini... Tuhan, lindungi suamiku selalu dan berada sisinya selalu, Berikan dia kegenbiraany dan berikan kerjayaan kepada dia. Sayangku yang paling tampan, ingin ku berkata di sini, aku mencintaimu lebih dari apa-apa yang ada. Cintaku hanya buatmu. ayat cintaku hanya ku lafaz padamu, hati dan jiwa hanya untukmu dan akhirnya aku hanya bermilikmu. Amen. <3

Loves..

WOHOO..!My I done my 1st sem..! Wee..=) Hope the best for my result and also for all of my friends.Hmmm..1st sem alot of things happened..just too much things and way too hard to take nor leave it.Hmmm thx alot to my friends always be with me all the time..Thx a word will not enough to thank you guys anyway THX..! =) Okay, Jeevan i know you always pissed with me i know that very well and i apology for that.I know thing happened alot between us and things are just not in control..Hmm thank God now all done..all is well..=) Jeevan i know i easily get emo..i know..and the reason i get emo easily is because im in fear,im scared i vl loose you and i dun feel secure...seriously and coz of this you are true im losing myself..all the while this feel does not in my heart..just do not know from where this fear came in..Hmmm sometimes i do wish just to give up and walk away like that,but i dun want to coz i love you.So many heart breaks happened(i know i hurt u too) i just love you more and i dun wish to give up in this.Hmmm i asked and im begging this from you many time,pls dun hide stuff from me and share with me every single bit and everything that happened in you.You told bf and gf  cnt share everything with them,that your view but actually if you do share things is different.Hmmm share with me i seriously beg that from you and i seriously promise to you i will control my emotions and talk to as how you want from me.Hmm spending time with you and the chances that i get is way to less,talking in the phone also no, text you also you will reply me late..hmmm i know you are a busy guy its ok.Im already okay with it.=) Hmmm i dunno you felt how i  felt.. the moment i look at phone  which not even one minutes pass just to read you messages,the moment of waiting for your message for few hours,the moment i really wanna spend time with you,the moment i need you badly,the moment i need a hug from you, the moment i really want to meet like i cant meet you after this,the moment i miss you so damn much,the moment i wished you wipe off my tears,the moment to get a kiss from you and be there for you when you need..Hmmm all this my yekam which sometimes do make me cry also.Hehe..I dunno but i feel that i do tolerant with you alot of things.Really hope we can be like other couples..=)Amen.I know you will tell all i want must happen..hmmm not like that lar actually..certain things i just wish to happen thats all.Hehe sorry give you pressure. I have wrote this long time ago and finally i posted it..LOL..=) Loves <3 

At Last...

Ola....!Finally i got my lappy!!!..=) The red  colour Dell...my sayang's favorite colour.... hehe...=) Yahoo..!At last everything came to end....i mean everything settle down already..feeling much much much better...you are very true...it was better when we talk things out properly...sorry for not doing that...perhaps i scared to talk to you sayang...hehe...I guess now not really already..haa..:D First apology for the mistakes that i done to you which till now im still thinking what i did...not i forgot...errr yea lar..but for sure its in my mind...just i cant figure it out..sorry oh..=( Sayang maybe what i said to you might hurt you...but i dont wish to do that to you...apology..)Sayang those words you said..about the jathegam things....hmmm i seriously cried..even now also...hope thats false things...huhuh..God always bless you...!Hmmm change topic...from now onwards....wanna spend a very good time with you...even few minutes also...I want you to be happy with...smile all the time...that smile makes me happy for my life sayang...Sayang you always be the best in my life even as annae and now as my hubby...=)As i said before no matter what happened i still will marry you and live a happy life vf you..<3 Every single moment i spent with you always in my heart..even its a happy one or an emo one...hehe...Loves...<3

FEELING BETTER AND HAPPY!!!=)

Hmmm..after so long I'm writing back...no time and no pc...hehe...waiting for my lappy!:D Hmmm glad that my life now getting better...heee...=) feeling happy bout it... CHING..=) Sayang i know i do give you pressure to you...and i trying not to do that...i working on it..a girlfriend will never wish to give pressure to the person she loves..i only want to give you happiness...hehe..okie?Hmmm...bout Shathis annae things...I'm sorry for that....not i dun wanna share vf you...it just we have very little time to spent together so i just wanna have a good time with you...I'm sorry for making you angry and disappointed...i will never do that to you anymore...sorry..=( Sayang...do you know you mean alot to me...from those days till now...from last time when i know you till now...i just hope and wish  that i do give you happiness to you...=) Having you in my life is the most amazing things that i have in this life...and pls don't tell yourself a lousy boy friend lar...i know you always busy with your things..which you give priority to yourself first...its ok..since that the way you are..i accept it...=) I love you not because the way you look...I love you not because you are smart...i love you not because of your sweetness...i Love you because you always...straight forward to me...and i LOVE THE WAY YOU ARE!!!=) Hope we always be happy and love each other till end...of this life...and remain the sweetness of love that we have...sayang...Sayang whatever i told you here is true...please believe it..=) Love you Jeevan...!That's all i can tell...nothing else more...just love you..!=)Loves..Tc sayang!=)

THE DAY I STARTED TO UNDERSTAND YOU MORE MY JEEVAN...=)

After so many things happened...listen to him...listen everything that he wanted to tell me....finally he told me how he really felt...i was very glad when he said all those things to me....at last i do knew how he felt...and the worst was he cried..that was very hard for me to take it....After he spoke out, now i do know how selfish and stupid i was...i never thought i hurt him that much....i know between me and you, you are still crying...i promise you things will get better....i promise you...i will be better...and i will change in a good way...i will  try my level best to give the mature love that you wanted....=) Now i realise that after you tell out your stuff, i do understand you more...seriously no joke....Do you know from last time till now..when ever you talk start to talk something serious...it always makes me think alot...and makes me understand more about life...that's what i really like about you from those days..till now...=)Yesterday...15/06/2011..after you spoke to me... you gave a confident in life...and to face the problems between us...and im thinking how to solve it...dont worry i wont get emo very fast...pls dei trust me this ah dei...i know i was quite and listining to you what you were talking and i know you get bored with it and the word of 'sorry'...i will change that damn things in me...i dunno why sometimes i cant talk infornt of you....mayb you too handsome dei....hehe...okok...no joke..and i will change that damn thing in me also...i know we are human...i did  mistekes in my life before and i do learn from it also, so do you...i know you have missed alot of things in your life...hmmm so do i...sometimes i do wish i can change somethings in my life...hmm..Okey last words...i will change...i will increase my maturity in thinking...i will understand you more...i will speak out more...i will fight till the end..i will never give up...i will never leave you in my life...i will NEVER....i will love you more and more n more sayang....i have faith and trust in me,you and our love...=)Love you always....My Jeevan....<3

MY TRUE FEELINGS.......

Hmmm before this my blog is in malay now im writing in english...hmm dunno why just for change maybe....hmmm this few weeks was not a really good week for me...kinda tense up...Things between me and him not good...after sometimes...its getting better...but i do felt the difference in him....like the way he treat me..is not the same at all...i din take it too serious coz i thought because he busy....but he ignored me alot...as though im not really exist....now thats hurt me deeply...but i din really bother about that too..coz i really thought he very busy...Saturday...28/05/2011....everything was going fine...kinda like we being normal back...i was happy...until he told me that he has something to tell me on Monday...and...it might break my heart...After i heard that from him...i knew what he gonna tell...i prayed to the GOD...''GOD if the thing he goona tell will break my heart into pieces...pls give me strength to face it dont make me weak..dont make me cry infront of him...coz i know he cant take it...''...The whole day back to normal...i din showed any emotions feeling to him...when Sunday arrived...i was very scared...hmmm...i still praying so hard to the god...everything was still smooth...even there are some argument's...Monday cames...i was so not control actually...but later i calm down...after my class..i went temple which near to my college with him...we were praying...when i was praying to LORD MURUGA...a drop of tear came out... hmmm..after that, we went to a playground, and sitting on the bench.We were talking adn having a good time for starting...later i  asked him to tell the stuff that he wanted to tell...so ..here the emotional part begins...hmmm..he said he wanna stop love between me n him!,,,i was like OMG.....i seriously sad...hurt..and really got no any comment to tell...its like a slap on my face..and an axe cut my heart...i really wish i was a statue for that particular moment =( He said i have to take this decision..i got no choice..hmm...he want her to be alright..want her to have a good future..hmm and he need time...That moment..i cried..i try my best not to cry infront him..but i cant take it anymore...i just cried...alot...hmmm...He wiped my tear off...hmmm...it just so hard for me....i wished i was deaf  for that time also....it just too hard...After everything done, i went to class..like normal..later went to library..with my friends...After awhile, he said he wanna meet me at  outside of library..i went out...and he was there..i dunno what to talk..he asked me you got nothing to tell?..Why you don't want to fight for yourself ?i said  i got nothing to tell..you already took the decison..so no matter how much i fight for myself i still will not archive anything...hmm...I told him that you hurt me terribly deep....huhu...=( He asked when he hurted me...i answered him...First..you ignore me...Second..im not your first priority....Third...what happened today...hmm i told him i dont know you do realise that you are hurting me or not...he said yes i do ...i was like..WHAT!..ok i gave that big reaction because..before this i asked him ..do you feel the way you treat me changed..he told ..no ah...normal only what...and now he telling he realise..it mean he really did that...another hurt...hmm=(..actually there are other other things he did hurt me abit...that is...when ever we meet and talk...or in msg...for sure you will talk about her...hmmm...i also try not to think bout it..but sometimes..where ever you go always with her...i wonder why...?Sometimes i felt im nothing for you...hmmm...Any girl will never want to hear..the guy that she loved the most talking bout other girl..If she has no feelings to him...i wont be bother much...but now its other way around.. .hmm but im taking it easy...trying my best to do so...coz i know both of you are best friend...im just a new person enter in your life recently...This things was very long already...now i already get used with it...hmmm...After he said that he wanna stop the love..temporary..its like...after break up...and suffering for more than 6 months....he enter into my life...he make a believe..trust...and keep faith..in love again...but now...he taking it back away...Do you know how it feel?...I trust you so much but at the end you crushed the trust that i keep on you...i feel like wanna take a rope and hang myself...Every girl are emotion..but im the girl will emo..and i will get stronger...just i also need time...Hmmm..the decison that he took...he told her first...its not the matter he told who first...but in this decision...the biggest lost is me...i din get anything except Hurt...Oh ya...he do asked me one thing...why i din treat him like how i treat others.....Ok if i do treat you the same as how i treat others..it mean you same with others and i have no any love feelings towards you...Sayang...i do understand you i din blame you for the decision you make...you want it...its ok..go ahead with it...pls come back as you said...to me...dont make me fall off again...I dont dare to look at you because i scared i will cry..but i dont dare to forget you because you are in my heart and my every single breath....=)..LOVES YOU MSH!....

ERA HIDUPKU DAN JAWAPANMU...

Tanpa disedari aku telah pun jejak kakiku dalam era baru dalam hidupku...iaitu Kolej...hmm...Memang satu suasana yang baru bagiku...amat ajaib...tidak dikenali langsung...hmm...kesunyian pun telahlah menekan loceng pintu dan masuk dalam hidupku...Kesunyian tu memang mengancam...hmm...tapi sekarang aku dah bertambah baik...dapat kawan baru...dah...hmmm...namun aku masih kenang akan alam persekolahanku...memang best gila...hmm..saat-saat itu memang indah...seronok..bila loceng rehat bunyi je...kita gather kat koridor..tunggu geng aku bukannya ramai pun..lima orang je..tapi happy jugak...kita makan duduk satu baris..kongsi makanan.. sama-sama...hmm..tak dapat lupa aku saat-saat itu..tapi sekarang semua dah ubah...semua orang dah sibuk dengan diri masing-masing...termasuk aku..tapi..nasib baik..kita masih keep in touch..hehe...tak sabar-sabar aku nak jumpa kawan aku....rindu sangat...hmmm=)...ok dah habis dah pasal sekolah..sekarang aku masuk pasal kolej aku pulak...hehe..kolej ni...besar sangat lah..sampai aku sesat mula-mula..haha..oklah jugak..dah lebih satu minggu dah aku kat sana...masih baru lagi lah...hehe...Sayang aku pun belajar kat sana..hehe..tapi...dia tu busy sangat..tak sampai hati saya asyik nak suruh dia teman aku...rasa macam aku susahkan dia banyak..hmm..dia pun ada benda nak buat...ada kawan..so ok lah jugak..at least dia ada teman aku...hehe...aku perasan satu benda..sayang aku ni memang tampan gila...hmm..gaya dia semua..hehe...minggu pertama memang aku dengan dia...macam ada benda tak kena..hmm mungkin sebab aku sunyi kot masa itu...nasib baik sekarang dah ok dah...TERIMA KASIH TUHAN!...Hari itu sayang tanya saya soalan:How you want your boyfriend be..?..This my answer..:Just be yourself.. serius..teman me when you can...even a a few minutes..is more than enuf for me..its make me feel that im exsist in your life..i know you very busy..i understand...i know its your final sem...i understand...you should enjoy your time with them...its true...i never expect you to teman me all the time..if you cant its ok..but dun totally ignore me..its kinda hurt sometimes..i know im in your heart as you said..but sometime you ignone me..make feel like im a stranger to you....hmm im sorry i din mean to hurt you... and sayang..im the type..no matter how busy i am...i still will have some time for you..i memang like that..i dont like to ingnore the person that mean so much to me...not onni you..even to my friends also..i do the same thing sayang..and its true..that day i called you..just to listen to you..just to feel that you are there..hmm..i dont like to trouble you..really..i dont like..my love to you will never change...you are my hubby..=)..and yea..you do change abit...maybe before this your class havent start you kinda free bit..no stress...and now you class started..hmm..but its okey...i still love you sayang..!=)..Wahai kawanku yang berada di seberang laut...jaga dirimu baik-baik..ingatkan Tuhan!..Okey..Sayangku...maafkan aku cara tingkah laku ku yang dingin terhadapmu..buat seketika itu...maafkan aku...sayang..=)Sahabatku..sampai bila pun kamu tetap kukuh dalam hatiku..!=)..dan bagi sayangku pulak..tahun ini amat penting bagimu...belajar dengan baik-baik..sayang..Muax!..Farewell...=)

Cemburu Menyebabkanku Mencintaimu Lebih Dalam Sayangku...=)

Kecemburuan..kecemburuan...janganlah kau terlalu emosi..tolong lah kau kawal sedikit..janganlah kau asyik menimbul di hatiku ini dalam keadaaan yang tak munasabah...walaupaun munasabah pun talonglah kau bertolak ansur sikit oh kecemburuan...Hmm...tiba-tiba kecemburuan ini terlalu emosi sampai tidak dapat ku kawalnya..sehingga ku mengalirkan air mataku..aku pun cuba kawal air mataku ini tetapi tidak dapat ku lakukannya..agaknya...hatiku sedih amat...Hmmm si gadis manalah yang takkan cemburu kalau jejaka yang dicintainya...beramah mesra dengan org lain...hatiku memang sayu bilaku dapat tahu..aku cuba kawal jangan terlalu emosi sangat tetapi..aku menangis sampai mataku bengkak dan sakit pada hari keesokkan...Tetapi aku ingin memohon maaf sayangku..maafkan aku cemburu..maafkan aku kerana ku tidak dapat menerima perkara tersebut...maafkan aku kerana aku berentam denganmu...maafkan aku menyebabkan mu berasa yang ku tidak prihatin padamu...maafkan aku tidak memahamimu seperti yang mu bilang....maafkan aku segala-gala perbuatan dan kelakuanku yang menyakiti hatimu yang tidak terdaya sekarang...aku berasa bersalah amat bila ku mengenang keadaanmu..yang mu terhempit antara dun insan yang paling kamu sayang...Mungkin sayang akan rasa yang aku 'over acting' bilaku menangis...sampai bengkak mata...Selepas semua yang berlaku pada hari itu...aku rasa aku lebih cintaimu..lebih hargaimu..lebih tidak ingin meninggalkanmu...Hmmm..sayang aku sumpah aku akan lebih memahami mu... aku sumpah takkan tinggalkanmu dalam seumur hidupku..kerana dalam hidupku hanya kau seoranglah yang akan ku khawini...(i talk to god d...he will hepl us no matter wat happened hehe...)...aku sumpah aku akan menyokong segala keputusanmu..aku sumpah aku akan sentiasa berada di sisimu..di sampaingmu...dan menjagamu...manyayangimu...mencintaimu...sehingga nafas yang ada dalamku... Oh my sayang... Our LOVE is getting STRONGER sayang!...=)I LOVE YOU SO MUCH..!I WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU  and LOVE YOU and GO THROUGH EVERY MOMENT WITH YOU TILL I DIE..SAYANG...! I LOVE you MY SANYANG!...MUAX!!!!=)

BERPUTIK SEMULA...

Sekian lama hati ini yang telah berpisah dengan kasih dan cinta...kini ia berputik semula..Tidak pernah ku sangka aku akan jatuh cinta lagi..hehe..cinta ini memang aneh dan kelakar buatku..kerana aku tidak sama sekali fikir jodaoh aku dengan Si Dia,abang angkat...Memang benar dalam zaman persekolahanku aku memang tertarik dengan dia..dengan gaya dia..cara cakap dia..nasihat dia..dan segala perbuatan  lucu dia..tapi pada masa itu aku tak nak perasaanku berkembang mendalam jadi aku mula panggilnya dengan gelaran abang..konon nak cover story lah.hehe..masa pun berlalu dengan cepat sekali..Dia pun habis SPM dan belajar di TARC..hmm...namun kita masih keep in touch..kadang kala...calling-calling...hmm...Lepas tu aku sibuk dengan SPM aku pulak...dah lama tu tiba tiba...kita contact balik..lepas aku beli phone..Aku masih ingat sejari lepas hari jadi aku..2/3/11..dia msg aku...Dah mula lah dari pagi aku buka mata hingga aku lelap mataku dia yang menemaiku..Pada masa  itu,apa yang aku lalui memang indah..sebab aku terasa yang aku dihargai..disayang..diambil berat...Kadang kala aku pun tersenyum sendirian dengan pujian,manjaan,dan ayat-ayat manisnya..padaku dia memang manis..Lepas itu...aku mula rasa pelik dengan diriku..kenapa harusku gembira bila aku terima balasan msg darinya?Aku diri depan cermin biliku dan tanya diriku apakah aku telah jatuh cinta denagn jejaka ini...hmm..saat itu binggung..takut...sebab aku takut dilukai lagi dalam alam percintaan ini..jadi aku tidak perduli akan perasaanku malah aku cuba kawalnya..Aku masih ingat..suatu hari pada pukul 2.50..pagi..dia luahkan hasrat hatinut padaku..saat tu hatiku ini..berdebar dengan 1000 per km...hehe..memang berbebar sekali...jadi aku pun rebut peluang emas ini dan beritahu hasrat hatiku..Malam yang indah tu...memang tidak dapat dilupakan oleh ku..Tapi perasaan takut mula hantuiku...aku takut aku kena mengalami kelukaan yang tidak terhiggah..aku takut..aku akan ditinggalkan olehnya aku takut kebahagiaan yang mendadak ini akan lelap..Aku sumpah kalau kejadian ini berlaku sumpah aku tidak dapat hidup lagi...hmm..Tuhan Yang Maha Adil dan Penyayang..hambamu mohon pada kau..janganlah kau mengambil dia dariku..talonglah biar aku merasai kebahagian ini...Aku cinta dia secara tulus dan ikhlas...bukan pada harta bendanya atau raut wajahnya..tapi hatinya yang mencintai  ku bagai sedalam lautan luas..Aku rasa ini memang jodah dan takdir Tuhan..hmm..aku bahagia..walaupun kadang kala hatiku  cemburu namun aku masih cinta padanya..Tuhan tolong ye kawal tahap kecemburuanku ini...hehe...Wahai kekasih idamanku walaupun kau bukan cinta pertamaku..aku tak lalui perkara-perkara manis pertamaku denganmu..tapi kau ialah cinta terakhirku..aku akan cinta pada mu..sehingga aku menghembuskan nafas terakhirku di dunia ini...Aku cinta padamu...cinta sangat padamu...hati..tubuh dan nafasku hanya milikmu..=)Dei I Love You...=)