Sebak hatiku mendengar kata-kata dari mu. Ingin sangat ke aku meninggalkanmu..tersentak di hati yang lemah ini. Ya Tuhanku, besarnya cabaran yang kau beri padaku. Hari ini,keputusan aku keluar..Ya tuhan ku..tidak ku sangka ku gagal lagi..dalam Tamadun Islam. Ya Allah, walaupun aku bukan hambaMu namun aku rela berdoa padaMu. bagi aku,semuaTuhan adalah sama..Ya Tuhan..kenapa begiu perit rasa diriku ini...terasa aku tidik berguna. Ya Tuhanku, Aku ingin memberi keputusan aku untuk periksa sekali lagi..Aku benar berdoa kuat padaMu..Tolonglah selamatkanku pada kali ini...tidak ingin aku gagal.Moga-moga ada kesilapan yang berlaku. Jikalau tidak apa yang berlaku,maka aku terima Qada dan Qadar dariMu. Ya Tuhan,  bukan hanya ini kau tunjuk padaku...Alam cintaku juga semakin teruk. Ingin sekali aku perputus asa dalam hidup ni, tapi ini satu perbuatan dosa..Aku tahu..Hmmm. Tuhanku, tolong la dengar jeritan dalam hati hambaMU. Ya Tuhan..perit hatiku bila dia tidak di sisi ku bila ku amat perlukan...selalunya aku berseorangan..kenapa Ya Tuhan..? Adakah aku harus lalui ini...selalu..? Tapi sampai bila tuhan..?Sampai bila..? Perassasn tidak dihargai,dicuaikan,tidak langsung rasa cinta...sampai bila aku harus harunginya..?! Ya Tuhan, namun segala dugaan mu aku laluinya..aku masih terima..tapi...hambamu bukannya kuat sangat...hati ini mudah tergores dan juga terluka..Apkah dayaku,Tuhan? Inginku ke tempat yang lapang dan menjerit sekuat-kuat hatiku,walaupun dapat kedengaran oleh sesiapa..Kian hari kian tabah aku menjadi dengan dugaanMU, sepatutnya aku harus berterima kasih padamu. Terima Kasih. Salahkah apa yang aku minta darinya sebagai apa yang aku maksudkan kepadanya...? Salakah aku meminta kasih dariorang yang aku cintakan sedalam laut...Salahkah?Sudah aku meminta sedekah cinta darimu, tapi tidak juga ku dapat...Sakit dalam hati ini tak mampu aku luahkan dengan sepatah dua kata. Tiada kata untuk menggambarkan kesakitan, kesedihan dan juga keperitanya.. Kadang-kala takut untuk aku menyentuh kegembiraan..khuathir ia hanya sementara sahaja...nukan untuk selamanya..Ya Tuhan Yang Maha Adil dan Saksama dan juga Penyayang dan Pengampun..aku harap kau dapat mendengar bisikan hatiku..bisikan ataupun terikan yang sepatutnya aku gelarkan..Perasaaan yang perit ini, tidak juga mampu aku ucapkan.Ya Tuhan, bukan hati ini yang terluka, namun hati dia juga terluka amat. Tidak dapat aku gambarkan situasi pada malam yang dia menangis padaku...susah hatiku mendengarnya...! Ya Tuhan..aku mohon..aku lebih rela kau berikan segala kesakitan padaku, jangan kau berikan pada dia..tak mampu dia  harunginya..

Sedekah kasih...

Setelah lama,kini ku kembali ke alam blog ini. Rasanya sudah tiba masaku untuk melepaskan perasaanku.Haha..bukannya perasaan apa biasa je lar kot. Hmmmm,banyak perkara dah ku harungi...sekarang misi lain pulak,hehe..control emosiku.Tuhan Yang Maha Adil dan Penyayang,Kau tahu apa yang ku inginkan di  hidup ini. Aku percaya Tuhan Yang Maha Adil, fahami ku. Ya Tuhan, tidak tahu dari mana aku berasa sangat takut. Katakutan perkara sama akan berlaku di masa depanku, ku tetap akan harunginya tak jua apa yang berlaku, tetapi khuathir ku tidak dapat mengatasi segala,takut ku akan berpecah belah..namun tidak ingin berlakunya perkara seperti itu. Hati ini bergetar, apa maknanya jika semua ku yang lakukan...namun ku tidak dapat kesan mu lakukannya? Apa maknanya jika kau hanya memerlukan ku bila mu dalam kondisi yang baik? Apa maknanya jika hanya yang lafazkan kalimah cinta nanum mu tidak.? Adakah hanya aku yang tengah bertepuk sebelah? Harapnya tidak. Aku tidak mengharap banyak darimu,kerana situasinya begitu, kalau ku harap sesuatu ia selalu berakhir dalam kekecawaan. Nanum, apa hendak dibuat? Hati wanita ini memang hati yang herharap. Aku telah pun dilukai banyak kali,namun hati ini masih terlekat di sisi mu. Kadang kala, akau berasa pelik dan aneh, apa yang membuat mu berhenti untuk berkata ayat cintamu? Apa yang berhentimu dari mendampingiku? Apa yang berhentimu beramah mesra denganku apabila mu dapat bergaul mesra dengan orang lain? Apa yang berhenti mu untuk luangkan sedikit masa buat ku,bila mu dapat luangkan masa untuk yang lain? Adakah sayangku mulai benci padaku.?Ayat - ayat cinta yang dilafazkan oleh mu pada hari permata kami bersatu dari jiwa dan hati,masih berdendang di telingaku. Hari-hari ku berlalu dengan berkenang dengan masa silam yang ku lalui denganmu.  Masa yang paling terindah dan termanis dan tergembira. :) Dalam percintaan, tidak harus mengadu satu sama lain, malah harus menerima segala yang ada satu sama lain. Sayangku yang paling ku cintai di dunia ini, salahkah apa yang ku minta sedelah kasih ini? Salahkah ku minta sedikit sedekah ambil berat darimu? Salahkah ku minta sedekah cinta and kata-kata cinta darimu? Salahkah? Kata-katamu yang dilafazkan tempoh hari, mu menangis padaku, hatiku ini tidak dapat menahannya.. :(  Mulai hari itu, aku tengah berubah  sampai ke saat ini.. Namun ku tahu,kadang kala ku telah gagal dalam tugasan tersebut. Maafkanku. Aku juga tahu, aku telah banyak menyeksamu,dan membuat mu rasa tergannggu. Maafkanku juga. Setiap hari, aku berjuang untuk menjadi sepertimu dalam alam percintaan ini, namun  tiidak dapat ku lakukannya. Hmm. kerana aku sedar, aku ini wanita. Aku mempunyai perasaan dan fikiran yang lain darimu. Kadang-kala, aku berasa mu tidak kisah atau endah perihal aku.,namun aku tahu mu mengawasi gerak -geriku.  Tidak dapat ku lafazkan kerinduan yang ada terhadapmu. Aku tidak akan minta apa-apa darimu, kerana jika mu memberi dengan hati yang paksa. Tidak membawa makna kepada cinta ini.  Banyak kali, ku terdampar dengan keputusan putus asa ini, namun tidak dapat aku lakukannya, hati ini amat setia padamu. Hatimu yang ada padaku, aku menjaganya amat baik sekali. Usah bimbang. Sayangku, ingin ku menucapakan ribuan terimakasih padamu untuk melengkapakan hari jadi ku. Aku tidak dapat berkata dan membayangkan betapa gembira aku pada hari tersebut, Kegembiraan yang tak terkata ini kerana mu! Terima kasih banyak-banyak sayang. :) Sayangku, ingin ku teriak padamu,ingin ku berpelukmu..namun tidak dapat ku lakukannya. Maafkan hatiku ini, kadang-kala ia mencari kasih darimu, mencari cinta darimu, mencari lafazan darimu. Maafkannya. Pada saat ini, aku teringat padi hari duluku bersama padamu, indah sekali. Blog ini juga dirasmikan dengan kemunculanmu, Berputik Semula. Tidakka ku dapat menghayati hidup seperti itu denganmu? Ithuvarai unnudan vaazhntha en naatkal, marumurai vaazhnthida vazhi illaya?'' Tidak ingin ku menangis dan teruskan menulis blog ini... Tuhan, lindungi suamiku selalu dan berada sisinya selalu, Berikan dia kegenbiraany dan berikan kerjayaan kepada dia. Sayangku yang paling tampan, ingin ku berkata di sini, aku mencintaimu lebih dari apa-apa yang ada. Cintaku hanya buatmu. ayat cintaku hanya ku lafaz padamu, hati dan jiwa hanya untukmu dan akhirnya aku hanya bermilikmu. Amen. <3

Loves..

WOHOO..!My I done my 1st sem..! Wee..=) Hope the best for my result and also for all of my friends.Hmmm..1st sem alot of things happened..just too much things and way too hard to take nor leave it.Hmmm thx alot to my friends always be with me all the time..Thx a word will not enough to thank you guys anyway THX..! =) Okay, Jeevan i know you always pissed with me i know that very well and i apology for that.I know thing happened alot between us and things are just not in control..Hmm thank God now all done..all is well..=) Jeevan i know i easily get emo..i know..and the reason i get emo easily is because im in fear,im scared i vl loose you and i dun feel secure...seriously and coz of this you are true im losing myself..all the while this feel does not in my heart..just do not know from where this fear came in..Hmmm sometimes i do wish just to give up and walk away like that,but i dun want to coz i love you.So many heart breaks happened(i know i hurt u too) i just love you more and i dun wish to give up in this.Hmmm i asked and im begging this from you many time,pls dun hide stuff from me and share with me every single bit and everything that happened in you.You told bf and gf  cnt share everything with them,that your view but actually if you do share things is different.Hmmm share with me i seriously beg that from you and i seriously promise to you i will control my emotions and talk to as how you want from me.Hmm spending time with you and the chances that i get is way to less,talking in the phone also no, text you also you will reply me late..hmmm i know you are a busy guy its ok.Im already okay with it.=) Hmmm i dunno you felt how i  felt.. the moment i look at phone  which not even one minutes pass just to read you messages,the moment of waiting for your message for few hours,the moment i really wanna spend time with you,the moment i need you badly,the moment i need a hug from you, the moment i really want to meet like i cant meet you after this,the moment i miss you so damn much,the moment i wished you wipe off my tears,the moment to get a kiss from you and be there for you when you need..Hmmm all this my yekam which sometimes do make me cry also.Hehe..I dunno but i feel that i do tolerant with you alot of things.Really hope we can be like other couples..=)Amen.I know you will tell all i want must happen..hmmm not like that lar actually..certain things i just wish to happen thats all.Hehe sorry give you pressure. I have wrote this long time ago and finally i posted it..LOL..=) Loves <3 

At Last...

Ola....!Finally i got my lappy!!!..=) The red  colour Dell...my sayang's favorite colour.... hehe...=) Yahoo..!At last everything came to end....i mean everything settle down already..feeling much much much better...you are very true...it was better when we talk things out properly...sorry for not doing that...perhaps i scared to talk to you sayang...hehe...I guess now not really already..haa..:D First apology for the mistakes that i done to you which till now im still thinking what i did...not i forgot...errr yea lar..but for sure its in my mind...just i cant figure it out..sorry oh..=( Sayang maybe what i said to you might hurt you...but i dont wish to do that to you...apology..)Sayang those words you said..about the jathegam things....hmmm i seriously cried..even now also...hope thats false things...huhuh..God always bless you...!Hmmm change topic...from now onwards....wanna spend a very good time with you...even few minutes also...I want you to be happy with...smile all the time...that smile makes me happy for my life sayang...Sayang you always be the best in my life even as annae and now as my hubby...=)As i said before no matter what happened i still will marry you and live a happy life vf you..<3 Every single moment i spent with you always in my heart..even its a happy one or an emo one...hehe...Loves...<3

FEELING BETTER AND HAPPY!!!=)

Hmmm..after so long I'm writing back...no time and no pc...hehe...waiting for my lappy!:D Hmmm glad that my life now getting better...heee...=) feeling happy bout it... CHING..=) Sayang i know i do give you pressure to you...and i trying not to do that...i working on it..a girlfriend will never wish to give pressure to the person she loves..i only want to give you happiness...hehe..okie?Hmmm...bout Shathis annae things...I'm sorry for that....not i dun wanna share vf you...it just we have very little time to spent together so i just wanna have a good time with you...I'm sorry for making you angry and disappointed...i will never do that to you anymore...sorry..=( Sayang...do you know you mean alot to me...from those days till now...from last time when i know you till now...i just hope and wish  that i do give you happiness to you...=) Having you in my life is the most amazing things that i have in this life...and pls don't tell yourself a lousy boy friend lar...i know you always busy with your things..which you give priority to yourself first...its ok..since that the way you are..i accept it...=) I love you not because the way you look...I love you not because you are smart...i love you not because of your sweetness...i Love you because you always...straight forward to me...and i LOVE THE WAY YOU ARE!!!=) Hope we always be happy and love each other till end...of this life...and remain the sweetness of love that we have...sayang...Sayang whatever i told you here is true...please believe it..=) Love you Jeevan...!That's all i can tell...nothing else more...just love you..!=)Loves..Tc sayang!=)

THE DAY I STARTED TO UNDERSTAND YOU MORE MY JEEVAN...=)

After so many things happened...listen to him...listen everything that he wanted to tell me....finally he told me how he really felt...i was very glad when he said all those things to me....at last i do knew how he felt...and the worst was he cried..that was very hard for me to take it....After he spoke out, now i do know how selfish and stupid i was...i never thought i hurt him that much....i know between me and you, you are still crying...i promise you things will get better....i promise you...i will be better...and i will change in a good way...i will  try my level best to give the mature love that you wanted....=) Now i realise that after you tell out your stuff, i do understand you more...seriously no joke....Do you know from last time till now..when ever you talk start to talk something serious...it always makes me think alot...and makes me understand more about life...that's what i really like about you from those days..till now...=)Yesterday...15/06/2011..after you spoke to me... you gave a confident in life...and to face the problems between us...and im thinking how to solve it...dont worry i wont get emo very fast...pls dei trust me this ah dei...i know i was quite and listining to you what you were talking and i know you get bored with it and the word of 'sorry'...i will change that damn things in me...i dunno why sometimes i cant talk infornt of you....mayb you too handsome dei....hehe...okok...no joke..and i will change that damn thing in me also...i know we are human...i did  mistekes in my life before and i do learn from it also, so do you...i know you have missed alot of things in your life...hmmm so do i...sometimes i do wish i can change somethings in my life...hmm..Okey last words...i will change...i will increase my maturity in thinking...i will understand you more...i will speak out more...i will fight till the end..i will never give up...i will never leave you in my life...i will NEVER....i will love you more and more n more sayang....i have faith and trust in me,you and our love...=)Love you always....My Jeevan....<3

MY TRUE FEELINGS.......

Hmmm before this my blog is in malay now im writing in english...hmm dunno why just for change maybe....hmmm this few weeks was not a really good week for me...kinda tense up...Things between me and him not good...after sometimes...its getting better...but i do felt the difference in him....like the way he treat me..is not the same at all...i din take it too serious coz i thought because he busy....but he ignored me alot...as though im not really exist....now thats hurt me deeply...but i din really bother about that too..coz i really thought he very busy...Saturday...28/05/2011....everything was going fine...kinda like we being normal back...i was happy...until he told me that he has something to tell me on Monday...and...it might break my heart...After i heard that from him...i knew what he gonna tell...i prayed to the GOD...''GOD if the thing he goona tell will break my heart into pieces...pls give me strength to face it dont make me weak..dont make me cry infront of him...coz i know he cant take it...''...The whole day back to normal...i din showed any emotions feeling to him...when Sunday arrived...i was very scared...hmmm...i still praying so hard to the god...everything was still smooth...even there are some argument's...Monday cames...i was so not control actually...but later i calm down...after my class..i went temple which near to my college with him...we were praying...when i was praying to LORD MURUGA...a drop of tear came out... hmmm..after that, we went to a playground, and sitting on the bench.We were talking adn having a good time for starting...later i  asked him to tell the stuff that he wanted to tell...so ..here the emotional part begins...hmmm..he said he wanna stop love between me n him!,,,i was like OMG.....i seriously sad...hurt..and really got no any comment to tell...its like a slap on my face..and an axe cut my heart...i really wish i was a statue for that particular moment =( He said i have to take this decision..i got no choice..hmm...he want her to be alright..want her to have a good future..hmm and he need time...That moment..i cried..i try my best not to cry infront him..but i cant take it anymore...i just cried...alot...hmmm...He wiped my tear off...hmmm...it just so hard for me....i wished i was deaf  for that time also....it just too hard...After everything done, i went to class..like normal..later went to library..with my friends...After awhile, he said he wanna meet me at  outside of library..i went out...and he was there..i dunno what to talk..he asked me you got nothing to tell?..Why you don't want to fight for yourself ?i said  i got nothing to tell..you already took the decison..so no matter how much i fight for myself i still will not archive anything...hmm...I told him that you hurt me terribly deep....huhu...=( He asked when he hurted me...i answered him...First..you ignore me...Second..im not your first priority....Third...what happened today...hmm i told him i dont know you do realise that you are hurting me or not...he said yes i do ...i was like..WHAT!..ok i gave that big reaction because..before this i asked him ..do you feel the way you treat me changed..he told ..no ah...normal only what...and now he telling he realise..it mean he really did that...another hurt...hmm=(..actually there are other other things he did hurt me abit...that is...when ever we meet and talk...or in msg...for sure you will talk about her...hmmm...i also try not to think bout it..but sometimes..where ever you go always with her...i wonder why...?Sometimes i felt im nothing for you...hmmm...Any girl will never want to hear..the guy that she loved the most talking bout other girl..If she has no feelings to him...i wont be bother much...but now its other way around.. .hmm but im taking it easy...trying my best to do so...coz i know both of you are best friend...im just a new person enter in your life recently...This things was very long already...now i already get used with it...hmmm...After he said that he wanna stop the love..temporary..its like...after break up...and suffering for more than 6 months....he enter into my life...he make a believe..trust...and keep faith..in love again...but now...he taking it back away...Do you know how it feel?...I trust you so much but at the end you crushed the trust that i keep on you...i feel like wanna take a rope and hang myself...Every girl are emotion..but im the girl will emo..and i will get stronger...just i also need time...Hmmm..the decison that he took...he told her first...its not the matter he told who first...but in this decision...the biggest lost is me...i din get anything except Hurt...Oh ya...he do asked me one thing...why i din treat him like how i treat others.....Ok if i do treat you the same as how i treat others..it mean you same with others and i have no any love feelings towards you...Sayang...i do understand you i din blame you for the decision you make...you want it...its ok..go ahead with it...pls come back as you said...to me...dont make me fall off again...I dont dare to look at you because i scared i will cry..but i dont dare to forget you because you are in my heart and my every single breath....=)..LOVES YOU MSH!....