Sunday, 2 June 2013


When there is the time...certainly it will happen...The most challenging part is, waiting..demands you more than anything in your life. Although i have wake up and move on in my life and start with something new, even is still the kind of same routine. Perhaps what i wanted was a lil care, care that makes me feel comfortable and secure.Now i'm 20, as the only girl in my home now responsibility has became bigger. I got to take care of my family. even i haven't fully doing it. Is not easy i feel, i know i can do it, yet i felt is a big thing for me.Taking over house work because mum's health is not in good condition and she is getting older. Always must have a person be with her so she wont feel lonely, i always try my level best to do so. Everyday, college, classes and also tuition. Tired, life with assignments and tuitions. I really like to have a time with family, go on vacation, throw all the worries and burden away for that meantime, enjoy every bit of the surrounding nature and have fun. How nice it could be? At least, sitting a quite place surrounded with nature and have a cup of coffee with a book. Awesome feeling ever, can have a good time to relax and also have a clear mind of every single thing. College life was nice, but now became worst and less fun more stress and problems.Being blame for thing that i did't even do. Well, now is not a big deal at all. Now, my life and my circles of friends is like a mini small world. I like it very much but maybe when they have their things to do or busy, that time will feel a bit lonely in me, but that's fine to me. Every one should have the time for them self. 20 years of life i have lived, feeling so old..LOL! haha! When i was a baby, i knew everyone is there for me to take care and be such a loving to me. Well, when growing older and older, i personally experience and i felt that i have less caring already. My dad always have the thought that i have the capability to face problems in life and i can solve it by my own.I wonder from where he got that confident on me. When ever i have anything he always will teach how but wont accompany when im doing it. He always says'' You have to learn it by yourself,how if i no more, what you gonna do.?'' I will keep quite even i felt unsatisfied sometimes. I know i can do, just i feel better there is someone with me,makes me feel better at times.When i'm sick, i always wish that someone could take me to the clinic, but i always go myself even my condition was bad. I wonder why sometimes, i don't like it, I'm not telling my dad or mum don't care for me,sure they do i know that very well.The feeling of going clinic when sick alone, not nice at all, to me la. Moreover, i always take care myself even i do fall sick quite often at times not in purpose. I still remember after a certain age, perhaps  when i was in standard 5 or 6, during my birthday my dad will bring me to cake shop and let me choose the cake i like. That was so nice of my appa, not because of the cake but his heart.At time goes on, i grow older, in secondary school. Dad no longer bring me to cake shop to buy cake that i liked anymore.I dont cut cake every year, it just when i feel like cutting a cake for my birthday i will do so. I remember once, when was my birthday i asked my dad. ''Appa, aren't you buying a cake?'' He said '' No, if you want you go to shop and purchase it, much easier and you can choose the cake you like and i don't have to bring you.'' I said'' okay.'' All the while in secondary school, i do go and order the cake i want and when the cashier will ask, '' What to write on the cake?''  I was,'' errmmm, owh yea my birthday(monologue) den i will write it out. You know, the feeling of writing on the piece of paper'' Happy Birthday Vino'' I found is kinda weird at times. Anyway that was past. After that, i don't hope anything much on my birthday.I wont expect anything from anyone. Normally, my birthday will be normal, a dinner will do of course. There was once, on my birthday no one came dinner and only me and my dad at Anuja Kepong and had our dinner. Eventually, i know my dad felt sad as well, but that moment i felt so lucky to have him as my dad, A dad who doesn't want to break my heart again and brought me for dinner. Felt touched. No matter what, i love my family lot..Hamisha aur Forever and Family always first. :') On my 16th,19th and 20th birthday where i receive surprise from friends and my love ones. When you grow older, eventually i learnt how to value things more. The first person who brought in surprise birthday in my life is for sure Daletha. Even it was only two of us, but i felt so happy that day. The next was in college, where all my classmates arrange a surprise for me.This whole thing was by Yanyi and 2 of other friends. She brought a big teddy bear for me, because she knows how crazy i with teddies. Next was a most special one, my love ones, where he makes me go to customer service of Pakson in KL Festival and i get my gift.So touched and we had a great dinner and spent some time together. This year was from my 5 best buddies and with a unique birthday card filled with birthday wishes from others, wonder why there is no his wishes in it...Thats was great, never thought of this surprise at all. Thanks to Zachary and Daletha. Sometimes, things that been gifted by friends and family not a big deal actually, if course we likes gifts as well, but there is something beyond that all these gifts. The sincere heart and also time spend together.Besides, my sis is best! She always get what i need..haha.Thanks!  All i wanted from my love ones is time spend with me thats all, i don't want anything else. Just spend some time together and thats already makes me so damn happy...undesireable of happinees that can be put it in words.  Let's put that aside, in my life the only thing i want to do is being independent and able to take care myself without my parents support. Im not meaning being independent as if in doing everything by alone without any company, we always need someone somehow in life, like life partner and friends. Now, i have my side income by teaching tuition. I tried my best not to ask much from parents and settle things myself. I havent reach till that level yet eventually. When i was thnking bout this, he came cross my mind. I notice that he acctually very independent enough in his life, dont trouble anyone much. Unlike me, always wants him teman me here and there. In his college time, he stays at hostel and living by his own with the aid of his friends around. He manage everything by himself. Sometimes, i will seek for when he will ask for my help to help things out, but guess i just mess things up for him. Now, he working. He living outside with his friends and working, well is not easy. I wish i can  have this kind of opportunity in life but no till now. When he is being such independent and realictic guy having a girlfriend like me,which not independent(always wants him to bring me here and there) and being emotion at times. Guess eventually will makes him pissed or turn him down, as he always said to me he disspointed with me. My mistakes, not i cant go by myself or do certain things by myself it just i wish i can have a person who really gives me cares and attention. I know he cares for me alot too.Yes, i expected from him lot..that was my fault totally. A last chance. I believe things won't be the same again. I know he have no trust on me, i don't know how to make him trust..I have told him many times about this.I'm fighting for my life..our life..our our love.. What to do, honestly i don'd want anyone else in my life. Only him will do. God. Please. I going through the worst punishments ever, can never meet nor talk to him in phone..It's way suffering than anyone could think bout it. I really suffering without his present in my life. I need him, i can't live without him..God I'm praying to you..