Missing....Waiting..Changing...

All the while was going through a nice, happy life. A happiness that i was waiting for a year and at last i able to felt it. A feeling that is hard describe bout it because it just contained so many good things and happiness. Yet, a rainy day has arrived and till now its still a cloudy one. Is easy to say that you are happy but is hard to say you are feeling sad. Why? Because that's the feeling that we don't wished to listen from our love ones. But how if the amount of happiness and sadness is equal amount? That will be fine, because you know the sadness doest last long and the happiness that you will receive in future will vanish the sadness. Well, thats how i feeling exactly now. I have no any intention to make him angry all time and pissed and make the mood swing, have no intention to hurt him as well! I know, i screw it up a lot, i say things nor asking things at the wrong time, eventually it just turn into a disaster. A person who keeps on holding on and having a little hope that able to love with person we love,yet still not everyone able to have it in their live. We humans always don't appreciate our love one in life and we tend to take the person granted. Why? Because we just know that no matter happened i know he or she will be there. Ended up, we tend to ignore them much, yet we still try our level best to keep silent because we don't want to hurt our love one intentionally. Perhaps is just sound stupid again to some people. Hurting back a person who hurts you does pay off anything because end up we will feel hurt again. Therefore i don't do that. The more our love one ignore us, we tend to feel we are just so far away, don't even know what is happening to them nor how are them. Yet, we still keep silent because we don't want make out love one feels that we are annoyed to them. At a point, we just can't take it   and we tend to find them back in short time. We know the feeling of being ignored by someone we love. In relationship, we fall for a person so deeply but why we want to hurt them, even they have done many mistakes over and over again. Words that been spoken is hard to take back, it does just stick in mind and heart. In a relationship LOVE is not everything, there are something more than that,Care,Importance,Tolerate,Respect,Understanding,Accept the way your love one is, Communication and   Affections. All these does content in a relationship yet not every one able to touch all these successfully. Maybe certain of it we might unable to archive. In relationship, none of us like to our partner in tears, either is a friendship or in family. Yet, we still tend to put the one we love the most in tear. We do love our family, we do love our friends, but a lover's love is just something special, is cant be define as family nor friends. Is just in a different category. A category that can't be explained why we react so. As we always says, action speaks louder than words. Through action, we able to know where we stand actually in a person's heart. Sometime, our love ones doesn't understand how much we actually value and treasure them in life. When, we don't get the the same feeling in return, we tend to feel insecure or sad maybe. A thousand of though will run in the mind, why my love is behaving so to me.? We know we should not expect the same thing from our love one because maybe thats the nature of them, can't be blame. What we watched in the movie is just a movie, real life doesn't happen in such way every time. 

Today, i just make things worst because i took it serious yet it does make me sad, because no one like our love one to call us brainless person,unless it is a joke but not the same joke been repeated for every time. I asked sorry for that but ended up in not really a good way, in anger i have just said '' no need find me'' and after an one word reply okay at 12.40pm (Saturday) till now 2.07am(Sunday) no reply at all. I knew i have asked a question that i should not asked to him. I wonder why cant he tell me instead of getting angry on it. I thought after his convocation and all he will find me, fact is he didn't find me, end as usual and every time i text him but there is no reply till now, it does kills me slowly. I really wonder how he can be without finding me for so long, guess that's where am i. I dunno. Sometime for a whole day no any massages till night i will receive a message that says'' good night'' and all. I tend to miss him a lot, really hope can spend more time in talking but he will feel tired and sleepy. So i will think for him, why wanna disturb his sleep and will just reply him good night. I never been really in his part of life, either success or a failure. I didn't know that he actually chose to not find me till end. Nothing can beat the pain of my heart while reading it. I have waited for almost 14 hours for his message and i got a reply''i wont''. Every girl will never expect this, because they really hope their love one will find them, that's prove how much you value them or how much u can't be away from the person. Now, i know he can live far away from me, perhaps it doesn't give any difference, even after my death.God, I know you watching me crying now, i have no breath to breath, please hold me on. :'(  Heal my hurt fast.. No one should be in my position, wanna cry out loud but can't, is just too suffering God. I know, he will never bother if ever i cry or not crying. What i have done..? Is loving him is a wrong? God please give me strength tonight, is gonna be a sleepless night. Sometime it just make me feel, there no meaning 4 me to be there with him, i don't bring out any meaning for him. Oh GOD, why my tears keep flowing while I'm typing my words out..A wrong i did which is not even a huge mistake i been ended up in tears, which i felt wasn't fully my fault but yet, I'm the one apologizing for it. Well, it doesn't matter to me on saying sorry.Sometime do feel like men domination thingy. I realized that guys are not like girls. Girls do every time express their emotions and feelings out to their best friends but guys are not like that. They tend to be keep thing to themselves. We can teach a person if they don't understand anything but no one can teach a person to understand how another person's feel. I miss myself....I miss the old me....Who doesn't cry till can't breath and who doesn't put herself so down. A person who used to look me up and motivates me now no longer the same. Pain change people, time doesn't change a person but the situation in that time change a person. But why when we can accept our love one has change but why can't they accept as as well? Change can happen to anyone. In relationship all we want is just be ''tan bai'', if even to your own partner you can't be ''tan bai'', what's the point of it? There always will be a person who gives out more than another party, is never can be equal. Is that mean there is no more love? No, when we feel ourself is lesser than another, we should learn to help ourself, no on able to help you better than yourself when your partner doesn't understand it. I wished upon the moon and stars, to be with you happy and go through every thing with you and marry you and be happy and  go through the life....I didn't love you to give up on you..on us..on our love. Accept me the way i am, treasure me, pamper me, love me, i missed all these from you. Please don't treat me like a waste bin sometime or when you need me as in to entertain you. I'm a human, a human who seeking for you love so much....

It has been very long hear someone praise me, one day there's one person who praised me a lot..Whatever he said just portrait me how i was in past..I missed myself..I missed the feeling of loving myself, i missed making myself feel good, i missed being confident in life....... I need a helping hand out from you...but you always push me down the mud....(even you were joking) perhaps i take it too serious. 

None of us have a life you been through and none of us have a life i been through, i want to create a good future for you, me, us, but without you is just nothing i can do..because is not an one man show, is a life,a future bout both of us.. 

Dear Jeevan,
if ever I'm forcing you again, is just not right, guess i have to live my life alone. I don't doubt your love but i dunno how much actually i mean to you and to your life. As you told me previously, action speaks louder than words. You are a person who doesn't share things out much with anyone. You always have a happy face on you,therefore many of them thinks you are fine. You are very good in hiding and pretending, behave as if nothing had just happened, but actually you are feeling the pain in your heart. You don't want people to do anything for you on your special day but when they don't you tend to sad inside. You always thinks there is no one able to understand you. You don't like wasting time in spending time that does not give any excitement to you. You like to have a time for yourself without anyone interrupt your day. You don't go for brands and eat at high-end restaurant. Anything is nice for you and good food will be fine for you except for you office shoe you want a good one due to the sole. You actually like to make me angry and jealous, sometime it may get worst. You like to eat chicken a lot and your mum food is the best food ever. You don't really enjoy other types of food compared to Indian foods. You like drinking grapes juice or blended lot. You don't take care of yourself but you want others to take care. No matter who talk things without any sense, is just a nonsense to you. You don't really like your dad, because he not there for you when you need him.(Based on what you told me), You are the most precious son for your mom, you love your mom a lot even she do call and cry to you. You actually do worry for people who close to you but you don't show it out. You have scarifies a lot in your life to stand where you are now. You stuck in your past and current and you get blank at times. Something actually still hunt you down i guess. That's why i cant feel your 100% in me  and there's where you unintentionally hurts me. You love football, favorite team is Man.United and your favorite player is Nani(last time you told this i don't know is it change) You like to watch Running man, Manga, and Naruto. You don't like drumstick. I can easily make you angry and you won't bother me after that. You give priority things that is important to you. You like girls with straight hair and who wear long dress or skirt. You have a lot of dreams for your future.That's all i guess, dunno how much is right but that's what i seen in you. 

Dear Vino,

Please learn to love yourself more, i know you miss yourself more than anyone because only you can feel the difference about you. Be more kind to you and protect your heart, it has many scar on it. You are not pretty in your eyes, you always look at yourself as a fat girl and who no one will praise you pretty. You actually love to wear dress but you just feel is does not look good on you and you wont try it because you know you are fat.Everyone says that to you even your close one. You miss that old looking Vino, the confident in you therefore you want to lose weight and show people and be pretty to who ever looked down to you always. You want to be the top in the world, be a successful businesswoman. You like to improve your life, and like to go those rich places to feel motivated and own like them in future. Not being filthy rich and as in able to have a good life and provide to my family. I like to give surprises and do thing for the one who close with me. Each of them mean to you much. You share out things with your close one. You expect love, pamper, caring, time, importance, value and space in your life. You don't like your love one stick with you all the time in person, except is a date and outing. You don't like break up unless is really make sense and you feel that's the best. Is hard for to overcome from sadness. You like to dance and sing a lot. You love cooking and baking as well. You like your days been filled up and being busy. Whenever you in sadness, you always have to wear a ''mask'' in you home. You don't want your family know bout you. You cries out when you feel like crying. You value your love one a lot and you love to do things for him. You want a nice house with just a perfect furniture and design and space, you have your dream home. You have your dream wedding ceremony, and you refuse to buy a ring 4 yourself even you like to wear ring because you want the first ring put into your hand is from you love one. You want a wedding proposal, not a grand one a simple and sweet. You not really a fan of diamond and yellow gold,but you do wear yellow gold and you like white gold lot. You love to wear traditional as well, with a ''saree'' or ''pavadei thavani '', lots of ''malli ''flowers on head, tie ''chadai'', 2 hands fill with bangles, earnings, ''netti chutti'' and ''kolusu''. I love to have long hair but unfortunately my hair don't grown fast and it takes damn long time when it grows back i have to cut because i will have my split end. Always think you able spend time on so many things but to me even 5min is can't, because you feel tired and sleepy,hmmm. You thinks a lot and you assume lot as well. If a person's first impression you don't like you won't be close with them or even to a person you are not comfortable. You love love love love chocolate and cheese cakes. You like to eat dessert lot as well. When your mood down you tend to eat a lot and you don't give a damn bout it. It gave a satisfaction or relive. You cry and eat ice cream when you sad. You love spicy food, belacan, Italy foods, Western and Indian foods for sure. You like to serve the GOD lot. You respect good guys lot and you don't throw their dignity in  front of the people. You tend to be a little silent to new person and new environment. You deep down still feeling guilty and sad you had fail and unable to graduate. You easily feel lazy. You always want to be there 4 your love one and be happy and go through everything. To you, love does not mean give up when going through hard time. That's all i guess...nothing much to say.

I love you...You want the happiness from him only. No one else.! 

*MY INNER VOICE* 

Even million amount of tears fall from eyes..

Even million times my heart breaks..

Even million times of ignorance i get..

Even everyone give up on me and you..

I wont and the happiness i receive from you...

is irreplaceable by anyone nor anything..

Eventually it vanish away all my sorrow...

I waiting to smile and laugh again with you with your hand around me.. :)  <3 

Suffering

When there is the time...certainly it will happen...The most challenging part is, waiting..demands you more than anything in your life. Although i have wake up and move on in my life and start with something new, even is still the kind of same routine. Perhaps what i wanted was a lil care, care that makes me feel comfortable and secure.Now i'm 20, as the only girl in my home now responsibility has became bigger. I got to take care of my family. even i haven't fully doing it. Is not easy i feel, i know i can do it, yet i felt is a big thing for me.Taking over house work because mum's health is not in good condition and she is getting older. Always must have a person be with her so she wont feel lonely, i always try my level best to do so. Everyday, college, classes and also tuition. Tired, life with assignments and tuitions. I really like to have a time with family, go on vacation, throw all the worries and burden away for that meantime, enjoy every bit of the surrounding nature and have fun. How nice it could be? At least, sitting a quite place surrounded with nature and have a cup of coffee with a book. Awesome feeling ever, can have a good time to relax and also have a clear mind of every single thing. College life was nice, but now became worst and less fun more stress and problems.Being blame for thing that i did't even do. Well, now is not a big deal at all. Now, my life and my circles of friends is like a mini small world. I like it very much but maybe when they have their things to do or busy, that time will feel a bit lonely in me, but that's fine to me. Every one should have the time for them self. 20 years of life i have lived, feeling so old..LOL! haha! When i was a baby, i knew everyone is there for me to take care and be such a loving to me. Well, when growing older and older, i personally experience and i felt that i have less caring already. My dad always have the thought that i have the capability to face problems in life and i can solve it by my own.I wonder from where he got that confident on me. When ever i have anything he always will teach how but wont accompany when im doing it. He always says'' You have to learn it by yourself,how if i no more, what you gonna do.?'' I will keep quite even i felt unsatisfied sometimes. I know i can do, just i feel better there is someone with me,makes me feel better at times.When i'm sick, i always wish that someone could take me to the clinic, but i always go myself even my condition was bad. I wonder why sometimes, i don't like it, I'm not telling my dad or mum don't care for me,sure they do i know that very well.The feeling of going clinic when sick alone, not nice at all, to me la. Moreover, i always take care myself even i do fall sick quite often at times not in purpose. I still remember after a certain age, perhaps  when i was in standard 5 or 6, during my birthday my dad will bring me to cake shop and let me choose the cake i like. That was so nice of my appa, not because of the cake but his heart.At time goes on, i grow older, in secondary school. Dad no longer bring me to cake shop to buy cake that i liked anymore.I dont cut cake every year, it just when i feel like cutting a cake for my birthday i will do so. I remember once, when was my birthday i asked my dad. ''Appa, aren't you buying a cake?'' He said '' No, if you want you go to shop and purchase it, much easier and you can choose the cake you like and i don't have to bring you.'' I said'' okay.'' All the while in secondary school, i do go and order the cake i want and when the cashier will ask, '' What to write on the cake?''  I was,'' errmmm, owh yea my birthday(monologue) den i will write it out. You know, the feeling of writing on the piece of paper'' Happy Birthday Vino'' I found is kinda weird at times. Anyway that was past. After that, i don't hope anything much on my birthday.I wont expect anything from anyone. Normally, my birthday will be normal, a dinner will do of course. There was once, on my birthday no one came dinner and only me and my dad at Anuja Kepong and had our dinner. Eventually, i know my dad felt sad as well, but that moment i felt so lucky to have him as my dad, A dad who doesn't want to break my heart again and brought me for dinner. Felt touched. No matter what, i love my family lot..Hamisha aur Forever and Family always first. :') On my 16th,19th and 20th birthday where i receive surprise from friends and my love ones. When you grow older, eventually i learnt how to value things more. The first person who brought in surprise birthday in my life is for sure Daletha. Even it was only two of us, but i felt so happy that day. The next was in college, where all my classmates arrange a surprise for me.This whole thing was by Yanyi and 2 of other friends. She brought a big teddy bear for me, because she knows how crazy i with teddies. Next was a most special one, my love ones, where he makes me go to customer service of Pakson in KL Festival and i get my gift.So touched and we had a great dinner and spent some time together. This year was from my 5 best buddies and with a unique birthday card filled with birthday wishes from others, wonder why there is no his wishes in it...Thats was great, never thought of this surprise at all. Thanks to Zachary and Daletha. Sometimes, things that been gifted by friends and family not a big deal actually, if course we likes gifts as well, but there is something beyond that all these gifts. The sincere heart and also time spend together.Besides, my sis is best! She always get what i need..haha.Thanks!  All i wanted from my love ones is time spend with me thats all, i don't want anything else. Just spend some time together and thats already makes me so damn happy...undesireable of happinees that can be put it in words.  Let's put that aside, in my life the only thing i want to do is being independent and able to take care myself without my parents support. Im not meaning being independent as if in doing everything by alone without any company, we always need someone somehow in life, like life partner and friends. Now, i have my side income by teaching tuition. I tried my best not to ask much from parents and settle things myself. I havent reach till that level yet eventually. When i was thnking bout this, he came cross my mind. I notice that he acctually very independent enough in his life, dont trouble anyone much. Unlike me, always wants him teman me here and there. In his college time, he stays at hostel and living by his own with the aid of his friends around. He manage everything by himself. Sometimes, i will seek for when he will ask for my help to help things out, but guess i just mess things up for him. Now, he working. He living outside with his friends and working, well is not easy. I wish i can  have this kind of opportunity in life but no till now. When he is being such independent and realictic guy having a girlfriend like me,which not independent(always wants him to bring me here and there) and being emotion at times. Guess eventually will makes him pissed or turn him down, as he always said to me he disspointed with me. My mistakes, not i cant go by myself or do certain things by myself it just i wish i can have a person who really gives me cares and attention. I know he cares for me alot too.Yes, i expected from him lot..that was my fault totally. A last chance. I believe things won't be the same again. I know he have no trust on me, i don't know how to make him trust..I have told him many times about this.I'm fighting for my life..our life..our love..save our love.. What to do, honestly i don'd want anyone else in my life. Only him will do. God. Please. I going through the worst punishments ever, can never meet nor talk to him in phone..It's way suffering than anyone could think bout it. I really suffering without his present in my life. I need him, i can't live without him..God I'm praying to you..

Im too dumb, Im sincerely asking for forgiveness and im sorry my love please forgive me.

Hmmm..all the while i talk bout what i felt and how much i love him. Now, im gonaa tell what i feel bout i myself.As a girl, i dunno how good am i,but im just too stupid and i feel im not a good girl. Hmmmm, love which at one point i like it but now im afraid of it. Im not blaming the love is a bad thing, love is something magical thing that ever can happened to everyone, but some of them playing with other's feeling and used them by the name of love. Love is so pure but because of some person it has not really defined as that.Sad.I dont blame love,to me love always a greatest thing ever.!When i was in school, should i say he is my 1st bf, whatever, coupled and ended break up because his mum got to know about it. Which, eventually now i find out that he the reson he gave me was not true and the reason was he like another girl when he was with me and he wanted to break up with me and couple with her.Well, so many years he lied and now i got to know it.Ended i felt myself like a fool.! When i was in sadness, a guy fren ('M') in school which he was there for me (sort off) So, when a girl is in hurt and a guy came up and care for you.Another feeling develops in me,(Not worth at all) well i liked him and all,but i got to know that he likes another girl for long time. So one day i asked him: '' what u do if the girl come back?'' He said: i will go with her.'' I was like what..? A loud laugh in pain. i knew where i stand,i dislike myself that time,because i was being used actually emotianlly and also physically( not sexual relation, i have my own dignityi know who i am) So after these shit happens, i was hurt obviously, i dun wish to have any contact with him and i met him and said that i wont be meeting you because i will be starting my college soon. He felt that he did not do anything wrong.== I admit of course there are my mistakes as well, and im paying back for every thing i  over againe became a normal friend, but he did came back and proposed to me again well not once but many times.Last year i went through another heart break over again(will talk bout that soon). So,eventually this guy got to know and he came back again. Perhaps again a total broken heart,crushed, all of sudden feeling the care from a person. I feel better, there where i close back with him and all over thing repeated. Where we attended a wedding dinner and where i text him:'' make sure look good and be the one who i used to know you.'' That night he sent me back home and there's where again he propsed to me again.Which i said no,and we agreed for so call dating la at the mean time.(How stupid am i) I admit that my mistake for this thing happened. I dont deny it and my heart was shaked, i was thinking is the God telling me to go on and mayb he is the turning pointof my life. I wondered.Why this time i trustedd him because this is not the 1st time and thats why i trusted maybe he is really sincere.( how dumb i can be at times) Of course if a person wants another person to be their partner,surely you able to see some effort and anything la. I dont see anything from him, im the one texted him and he dont reply me. Well i did feel something is wrong,so i dont rush.There are many rumours that he coupled with another girl, and i confused i do not know what is the truth.Well i start to investigate this thing, it was easy because i knew the girl.So i chated with her.Well was like a normal chat, den we were talking about love thingy. So i tried to ask her something and all. Well from what ever she answered me, kinda obvious is him and she knows that im dating a guy but she dunno is him.So basically we both are talking bout the same guy.And the day of truth came, where when i asked him bout this and he said is was a part and he wants to forget bout and  dont wish to talk bout it.So i said okay. After that, i chated with the girl again.So this time i want her to tell out who is guy that she was talking bout, coz before this she did not tell me.Well when she told me that:'' he told me that u know everything already'' I asked:'' who is the he now?'' Well she mention his name. I was ok,my guess was  perfectly correct. In return, she asked me who is guy i dating with,i did not say his name i said another friend of mine.I know is dumb,but  i dont wish to create any problem again. When i asked him bout this and he able to say that: yes.im with her now. He said this without any feeling sorry and anything.He just say it very normal and he dont think that he cheated or lied to me about it. The girl told me,:'' no,we did not break up at all and we were just having some problems only. Im with him for 3 years.'' I was little shock, she dont even know what is he doing at her back.All over again, i been used by him again.I know im stupid enough to being used for second time again. When this thing happened, i was sitting for my exam. In exam hall, i was thinking bout this and i was thinking and i found an answer that, i did this terrible mistakes and now i know who really stands on my heart. I teared. I felt that i betrayed the love i have. There were no days i went with tears and i felt so disgusting to myself. I prayed and knee down to God and said Im very sorry, i do not know will you forgive for my mistakes, but i willing to take any punishment you gonna give me for my wrong dids.I cerid in front of Ganesha,Muruga and Amman.I cried till i cant breath. Felt too stupid.I do not know is The God showing me the truth side and how is him actually. I do not know.All is know i feel sorry and bad for myself. Being used...the feeling is just too horrible to be describe.Today i got to know that im not the only one who in this situation. There is a friend of mine,she was encounter by this problem from him.My friend is coupled,and he knows about it. He still like trying for her( he is already coupled with the girl that i mention above), he have the guts to say that:'' You leave him and come to me'' (I woudnt be surprise, coz he said the same thing when i was coupled) I was thinking beside me and my friend.who else would have be his victim.? Lets label the guy as 'M' the Girl which is his gf as ('P') and my friend as('A') Hmmm.....Im sorry i did not want to be evil but is not a good thing to be done by any guy to any girl.
Through out this whole journey i know and realize what is true love, even my heart shakes and eventually almost fell for another person. i did know my heart stands on who firmlyAll this thing happened, i being left by guys. Well i have no idea why, maybe i was not good enough,expception for('M') thing. All i want to tell is, im sorry my love...very sorry for what had happened,but promise you were there in my mind..I would not know will you forgive me if one day you come back for me.I will not know..Dont worry, as i said to you. I move on as how you want me to be and as how i want myself to b happy and enjoy my life. As i said to you as well,i dun want anything..anyone in my life,I just want to be my own and be alone.Do what i suppose to do and  archive. Thats all. Honestly, i dont trust anyone easy now, and i promise if ever i have to go through another heart break,i afraid that i may not go through this time...may not....My heart never stops beats for you and do forgive me  for all.Dont worry, im not keeping any hope in anything. Enough of what i went through and i tired for these whole thing. I'm sorry...sincerely sorry...my love is true to you...even i cnt be with you...Im very sorry.Take care always..!You always the best thing that ever happened to me....forever...! :) <3 (Tear)