Missing....Waiting..Changing...

All the while was going through a nice, happy life. A happiness that i was waiting for a year and at last i able to felt it. A feeling that is hard describe bout it because it just contained so many good things and happiness. Yet, a rainy day has arrived and till now its still a cloudy one. Is easy to say that you are happy but is hard to say you are feeling sad. Why? Because that's the feeling that we don't wished to listen from our love ones. But how if the amount of happiness and sadness is equal amount? That will be fine, because you know the sadness doest last long and the happiness that you will receive in future will vanish the sadness. Well, thats how i feeling exactly now. I have no any intention to make him angry all time and pissed and make the mood swing, have no intention to hurt him as well! I know, i screw it up a lot, i say things nor asking things at the wrong time, eventually it just turn into a disaster. A person who keeps on holding on and having a little hope that able to love with person we love,yet still not everyone able to have it in their live. We humans always don't appreciate our love one in life and we tend to take the person granted. Why? Because we just know that no matter happened i know he or she will be there. Ended up, we tend to ignore them much, yet we still try our level best to keep silent because we don't want to hurt our love one intentionally. Perhaps is just sound stupid again to some people. Hurting back a person who hurts you does pay off anything because end up we will feel hurt again. Therefore i don't do that. The more our love one ignore us, we tend to feel we are just so far away, don't even know what is happening to them nor how are them. Yet, we still keep silent because we don't want make out love one feels that we are annoyed to them. At a point, we just can't take it   and we tend to find them back in short time. We know the feeling of being ignored by someone we love. In relationship, we fall for a person so deeply but why we want to hurt them, even they have done many mistakes over and over again. Words that been spoken is hard to take back, it does just stick in mind and heart. In a relationship LOVE is not everything, there are something more than that,Care,Importance,Tolerate,Respect,Understanding,Accept the way your love one is, Communication and   Affections. All these does content in a relationship yet not every one able to touch all these successfully. Maybe certain of it we might unable to archive. In relationship, none of us like to our partner in tears, either is a friendship or in family. Yet, we still tend to put the one we love the most in tear. We do love our family, we do love our friends, but a lover's love is just something special, is cant be define as family nor friends. Is just in a different category. A category that can't be explained why we react so. As we always says, action speaks louder than words. Through action, we able to know where we stand actually in a person's heart. Sometime, our love ones doesn't understand how much we actually value and treasure them in life. When, we don't get the the same feeling in return, we tend to feel insecure or sad maybe. A thousand of though will run in the mind, why my love is behaving so to me.? We know we should not expect the same thing from our love one because maybe thats the nature of them, can't be blame. What we watched in the movie is just a movie, real life doesn't happen in such way every time. 

Today, i just make things worst because i took it serious yet it does make me sad, because no one like our love one to call us brainless person,unless it is a joke but not the same joke been repeated for every time. I asked sorry for that but ended up in not really a good way, in anger i have just said '' no need find me'' and after an one word reply okay at 12.40pm (Saturday) till now 2.07am(Sunday) no reply at all. I knew i have asked a question that i should not asked to him. I wonder why cant he tell me instead of getting angry on it. I thought after his convocation and all he will find me, fact is he didn't find me, end as usual and every time i text him but there is no reply till now, it does kills me slowly. I really wonder how he can be without finding me for so long, guess that's where am i. I dunno. Sometime for a whole day no any massages till night i will receive a message that says'' good night'' and all. I tend to miss him a lot, really hope can spend more time in talking but he will feel tired and sleepy. So i will think for him, why wanna disturb his sleep and will just reply him good night. I never been really in his part of life, either success or a failure. I didn't know that he actually chose to not find me till end. Nothing can beat the pain of my heart while reading it. I have waited for almost 14 hours for his message and i got a reply''i wont''. Every girl will never expect this, because they really hope their love one will find them, that's prove how much you value them or how much u can't be away from the person. Now, i know he can live far away from me, perhaps it doesn't give any difference, even after my death.God, I know you watching me crying now, i have no breath to breath, please hold me on. :'(  Heal my hurt fast.. No one should be in my position, wanna cry out loud but can't, is just too suffering God. I know, he will never bother if ever i cry or not crying. What i have done..? Is loving him is a wrong? God please give me strength tonight, is gonna be a sleepless night. Sometime it just make me feel, there no meaning 4 me to be there with him, i don't bring out any meaning for him. Oh GOD, why my tears keep flowing while I'm typing my words out..A wrong i did which is not even a huge mistake i been ended up in tears, which i felt wasn't fully my fault but yet, I'm the one apologizing for it. Well, it doesn't matter to me on saying sorry.Sometime do feel like men domination thingy. I realized that guys are not like girls. Girls do every time express their emotions and feelings out to their best friends but guys are not like that. They tend to be keep thing to themselves. We can teach a person if they don't understand anything but no one can teach a person to understand how another person's feel. I miss myself....I miss the old me....Who doesn't cry till can't breath and who doesn't put herself so down. A person who used to look me up and motivates me now no longer the same. Pain change people, time doesn't change a person but the situation in that time change a person. But why when we can accept our love one has change but why can't they accept as as well? Change can happen to anyone. In relationship all we want is just be ''tan bai'', if even to your own partner you can't be ''tan bai'', what's the point of it? There always will be a person who gives out more than another party, is never can be equal. Is that mean there is no more love? No, when we feel ourself is lesser than another, we should learn to help ourself, no on able to help you better than yourself when your partner doesn't understand it. I wished upon the moon and stars, to be with you happy and go through every thing with you and marry you and be happy and  go through the life....I didn't love you to give up on you..on us..on our love. Accept me the way i am, treasure me, pamper me, love me, i missed all these from you. Please don't treat me like a waste bin sometime or when you need me as in to entertain you. I'm a human, a human who seeking for you love so much....

It has been very long hear someone praise me, one day there's one person who praised me a lot..Whatever he said just portrait me how i was in past..I missed myself..I missed the feeling of loving myself, i missed making myself feel good, i missed being confident in life....... I need a helping hand out from you...but you always push me down the mud....(even you were joking) perhaps i take it too serious. 

None of us have a life you been through and none of us have a life i been through, i want to create a good future for you, me, us, but without you is just nothing i can do..because is not an one man show, is a life,a future bout both of us.. 

Dear Jeevan,
if ever I'm forcing you again, is just not right, guess i have to live my life alone. I don't doubt your love but i dunno how much actually i mean to you and to your life. As you told me previously, action speaks louder than words. You are a person who doesn't share things out much with anyone. You always have a happy face on you,therefore many of them thinks you are fine. You are very good in hiding and pretending, behave as if nothing had just happened, but actually you are feeling the pain in your heart. You don't want people to do anything for you on your special day but when they don't you tend to sad inside. You always thinks there is no one able to understand you. You don't like wasting time in spending time that does not give any excitement to you. You like to have a time for yourself without anyone interrupt your day. You don't go for brands and eat at high-end restaurant. Anything is nice for you and good food will be fine for you except for you office shoe you want a good one due to the sole. You actually like to make me angry and jealous, sometime it may get worst. You like to eat chicken a lot and your mum food is the best food ever. You don't really enjoy other types of food compared to Indian foods. You like drinking grapes juice or blended lot. You don't take care of yourself but you want others to take care. No matter who talk things without any sense, is just a nonsense to you. You don't really like your dad, because he not there for you when you need him.(Based on what you told me), You are the most precious son for your mom, you love your mom a lot even she do call and cry to you. You actually do worry for people who close to you but you don't show it out. You have scarifies a lot in your life to stand where you are now. You stuck in your past and current and you get blank at times. Something actually still hunt you down i guess. That's why i cant feel your 100% in me  and there's where you unintentionally hurts me. You love football, favorite team is Man.United and your favorite player is Nani(last time you told this i don't know is it change) You like to watch Running man, Manga, and Naruto. You don't like drumstick. I can easily make you angry and you won't bother me after that. You give priority things that is important to you. You like girls with straight hair and who wear long dress or skirt. You have a lot of dreams for your future.That's all i guess, dunno how much is right but that's what i seen in you. 

Dear Vino,

Please learn to love yourself more, i know you miss yourself more than anyone because only you can feel the difference about you. Be more kind to you and protect your heart, it has many scar on it. You are not pretty in your eyes, you always look at yourself as a fat girl and who no one will praise you pretty. You actually love to wear dress but you just feel is does not look good on you and you wont try it because you know you are fat.Everyone says that to you even your close one. You miss that old looking Vino, the confident in you therefore you want to lose weight and show people and be pretty to who ever looked down to you always. You want to be the top in the world, be a successful businesswoman. You like to improve your life, and like to go those rich places to feel motivated and own like them in future. Not being filthy rich and as in able to have a good life and provide to my family. I like to give surprises and do thing for the one who close with me. Each of them mean to you much. You share out things with your close one. You expect love, pamper, caring, time, importance, value and space in your life. You don't like your love one stick with you all the time in person, except is a date and outing. You don't like break up unless is really make sense and you feel that's the best. Is hard for to overcome from sadness. You like to dance and sing a lot. You love cooking and baking as well. You like your days been filled up and being busy. Whenever you in sadness, you always have to wear a ''mask'' in you home. You don't want your family know bout you. You cries out when you feel like crying. You value your love one a lot and you love to do things for him. You want a nice house with just a perfect furniture and design and space, you have your dream home. You have your dream wedding ceremony, and you refuse to buy a ring 4 yourself even you like to wear ring because you want the first ring put into your hand is from you love one. You want a wedding proposal, not a grand one a simple and sweet. You not really a fan of diamond and yellow gold,but you do wear yellow gold and you like white gold lot. You love to wear traditional as well, with a ''saree'' or ''pavadei thavani '', lots of ''malli ''flowers on head, tie ''chadai'', 2 hands fill with bangles, earnings, ''netti chutti'' and ''kolusu''. I love to have long hair but unfortunately my hair don't grown fast and it takes damn long time when it grows back i have to cut because i will have my split end. Always think you able spend time on so many things but to me even 5min is can't, because you feel tired and sleepy,hmmm. You thinks a lot and you assume lot as well. If a person's first impression you don't like you won't be close with them or even to a person you are not comfortable. You love love love love chocolate and cheese cakes. You like to eat dessert lot as well. When your mood down you tend to eat a lot and you don't give a damn bout it. It gave a satisfaction or relive. You cry and eat ice cream when you sad. You love spicy food, belacan, Italy foods, Western and Indian foods for sure. You like to serve the GOD lot. You respect good guys lot and you don't throw their dignity in  front of the people. You tend to be a little silent to new person and new environment. You deep down still feeling guilty and sad you had fail and unable to graduate. You easily feel lazy. You always want to be there 4 your love one and be happy and go through everything. To you, love does not mean give up when going through hard time. That's all i guess...nothing much to say.

I love you...You want the happiness from him only. No one else.! 

*MY INNER VOICE* 

Even million amount of tears fall from eyes..

Even million times my heart breaks..

Even million times of ignorance i get..

Even everyone give up on me and you..

I wont and the happiness i receive from you...

is irreplaceable by anyone nor anything..

Eventually it vanish away all my sorrow...

I waiting to smile and laugh again with you with your hand around me.. :)  <3