Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Im too dumb, Im sincerely asking for forgiveness and im sorry my love please forgive me.

Hmmm..all the while i talk bout what i felt and how much i love him. Now, im gonaa tell what i feel bout i myself.As a girl, i dunno how good am i,but im just too stupid and i feel im not a good girl. Hmmmm, love which at one point i like it but now im afraid of it. Im not blaming the love is a bad thing, love is something magical thing that ever can happened to everyone, but some of them playing with other's feeling and used them by the name of love. Love is so pure but because of some person it has not really defined as that.Sad.I dont blame love,to me love always a greatest thing ever.!When i was in school, should i say he is my 1st bf, whatever, coupled and ended break up because his mum got to know about it. Which, eventually now i find out that he the reson he gave me was not true and the reason was he like another girl when he was with me and he wanted to break up with me and couple with her.Well, so many years he lied and now i got to know it.Ended i felt myself like a fool.! When i was in sadness, a guy fren ('M') in school which he was there for me (sort off) So, when a girl is in hurt and a guy came up and care for you.Another feeling develops in me,(Not worth at all) well i liked him and all,but i got to know that he likes another girl for long time. So one day i asked him: '' what u do if the girl come back?'' He said: i will go with her.'' I was like what..? A loud laugh in pain. i knew where i stand,i dislike myself that time,because i was being used actually emotianlly and also physically( not sexual relation, i have my own dignityi know who i am) So after these shit happens, i was hurt obviously, i dun wish to have any contact with him and i met him and said that i wont be meeting you because i will be starting my college soon. He felt that he did not do anything wrong.== I admit of course there are my mistakes as well, and im paying back for every thing i  over againe became a normal friend, but he did came back and proposed to me again well not once but many times.Last year i went through another heart break over again(will talk bout that soon). So,eventually this guy got to know and he came back again. Perhaps again a total broken heart,crushed, all of sudden feeling the care from a person. I feel better, there where i close back with him and all over thing repeated. Where we attended a wedding dinner and where i text him:'' make sure look good and be the one who i used to know you.'' That night he sent me back home and there's where again he propsed to me again.Which i said no,and we agreed for so call dating la at the mean time.(How stupid am i) I admit that my mistake for this thing happened. I dont deny it and my heart was shaked, i was thinking is the God telling me to go on and mayb he is the turning pointof my life. I wondered.Why this time i trustedd him because this is not the 1st time and thats why i trusted maybe he is really sincere.( how dumb i can be at times) Of course if a person wants another person to be their partner,surely you able to see some effort and anything la. I dont see anything from him, im the one texted him and he dont reply me. Well i did feel something is wrong,so i dont rush.There are many rumours that he coupled with another girl, and i confused i do not know what is the truth.Well i start to investigate this thing, it was easy because i knew the girl.So i chated with her.Well was like a normal chat, den we were talking about love thingy. So i tried to ask her something and all. Well from what ever she answered me, kinda obvious is him and she knows that im dating a guy but she dunno is him.So basically we both are talking bout the same guy.And the day of truth came, where when i asked him bout this and he said is was a part and he wants to forget bout and  dont wish to talk bout it.So i said okay. After that, i chated with the girl again.So this time i want her to tell out who is guy that she was talking bout, coz before this she did not tell me.Well when she told me that:'' he told me that u know everything already'' I asked:'' who is the he now?'' Well she mention his name. I was ok,my guess was  perfectly correct. In return, she asked me who is guy i dating with,i did not say his name i said another friend of mine.I know is dumb,but  i dont wish to create any problem again. When i asked him bout this and he able to say that: with her now. He said this without any feeling sorry and anything.He just say it very normal and he dont think that he cheated or lied to me about it. The girl told me,:'' no,we did not break up at all and we were just having some problems only. Im with him for 3 years.'' I was little shock, she dont even know what is he doing at her back.All over again, i been used by him again.I know im stupid enough to being used for second time again. When this thing happened, i was sitting for my exam. In exam hall, i was thinking bout this and i was thinking and i found an answer that, i did this terrible mistakes and now i know who really stands on my heart. I teared. I felt that i betrayed the love i have. There were no days i went with tears and i felt so disgusting to myself. I prayed and knee down to God and said Im very sorry, i do not know will you forgive for my mistakes, but i willing to take any punishment you gonna give me for my wrong dids.I cerid in front of Ganesha,Muruga and Amman.I cried till i cant breath. Felt too stupid.I do not know is The God showing me the truth side and how is him actually. I do not know.All is know i feel sorry and bad for myself. Being used...the feeling is just too horrible to be describe.Today i got to know that im not the only one who in this situation. There is a friend of mine,she was encounter by this problem from him.My friend is coupled,and he knows about it. He still like trying for her( he is already coupled with the girl that i mention above), he have the guts to say that:'' You leave him and come to me'' (I woudnt be surprise, coz he said the same thing when i was coupled) I was thinking beside me and my friend.who else would have be his victim.? Lets label the guy as 'M' the Girl which is his gf as ('P') and my friend as('A') Hmmm.....Im sorry i did not want to be evil but is not a good thing to be done by any guy to any girl.
Through out this whole journey i know and realize what is true love, even my heart shakes and eventually almost fell for another person. i did know my heart stands on who firmlyAll this thing happened, i being left by guys. Well i have no idea why, maybe i was not good enough,expception for('M') thing. All i want to tell is, im sorry my love...very sorry for what had happened,but promise you were there in my mind..I would not know will you forgive me if one day you come back for me.I will not know..Dont worry, as i said to you. I move on as how you want me to be and as how i want myself to b happy and enjoy my life. As i said to you as well,i dun want anything..anyone in my life,I just want to be my own and be alone.Do what i suppose to do and  archive. Thats all. Honestly, i dont trust anyone easy now, and i promise if ever i have to go through another heart break,i afraid that i may not go through this time...may not....My heart never stops beats for you and do forgive me  for all.Dont worry, im not keeping any hope in anything. Enough of what i went through and i tired for these whole thing. I'm sorry...sincerely love is true to you...even i cnt be with you...Im very sorry.Take care always..!You always the best thing that ever happened to me....forever...! :) <3 (Tear)

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